The ever so slightly edited version of the Summary of the highs and lows of Team Rubbish during 2007/2008. Could it be 2nd time lucky in their quest for promotion. Sadly it was not to be.
Nailsworth B vs Thornbury F - The puppies have been found - 19th Mar 2008
Sod the table tennis !!! we found the finest pair of puppies outside of Frampton on Severn last evening. The surface of their skin rippled gently like a mill pond in the merest of breezes as they moved graciously around the bar at the Britannia in Nailsworth.
After a hard fought 6-4 victory at Nailsworth, Team Rubbish in it's entirity, including the coach had decided it was the place to end the long winter season....oh yes.... of table tennis, I almost forgot.
Oh those Puppies
The evening began when the convoy of rubbish started to arrive at Nailsworth shortly after dark, along with Mentor Maggot. With this being the last game of the season, it was a 3 line whip and needed a bat spin to determine who would sit it out and play in the doubles later on. GW won after a marathon session of spinning so had the unenviable task of sitting it out and eating the mint aero bubbles, bacon fries and rowntrees soft jellies as he watched proudly as his Captain put to the sword to all that dared challenge him, not dropping a game all night. Lianne showed great consistency in her hard fought matches winning against Ed and getting Dave Watson resorting to tiny little short serves because anything long Lianne mullahed back through him, Dave just pinching it in the end. Mike's serve proved a bit too much for Lianne and Tracy but Tracy did get a game off the old timer. Tracy beat Ed with relative ease but tripped up against hard hitting Dave, the sharpness of her pinball game not quite surfing on the crest of a wave, although there still is no finer player of repeat rapid fire forehands in the rubbish.
So with the score at 5-4 to the rubbish going into the doubles, the warm up GW had with the team coach during the tea interval needed to work, and work it did, Lianne won the bat spin to step up alongside GW, now Lianne being a lover of the feline breed likes to tease and tantalise her opponents before ripping their throats out where as GW is a canine lover and simply prefers to bite people's backsides. With that combination at the table it's no wonder they went 2-0 down not knowing whether to play softly or bite. Gradually the partnership bloomed along with the spring daffodils and as the shoulders loosening and the teeth showed the sharper side the rubbish pair clawed it back just like Captains two real felines who have shredded his net curtains on numerous occasions.
With some quality percentage play that had the opposition on the wrong foot they marched on to a memorable 3-2 win including by order of Mental Maggot the coach shot of the night, awarded to GW for a winning forehand so fast, horizontal and low over the net, it disected the opposition like a surgeon's scalpel.
As I believe I may have previously mentioned we congregated at the wildlife park known as the Britannia, where GW tried in vain to get a picture of the puppies, but now realises why the BBC takes 5 years to make a wildlife series, you just never know when they are going to play to the camera. Captain did suggest that we tell the girl we were doing a survey on m***bation material and just ask her outright to take a picture of them. The rest of us thinking this was ridiculous, what does he think we are pervies or something. Disgraceful.
Final Score Nailsworth B - 4, Thornbury F - 6
G signing off til September.
PS :- Many thanks to Tracy for the refreshments, Grampy for his never ending wit and one liners,
(the pick of which has to be his offer to take one of Lianne's hockey club lesbian friends who was getting married to her partner "up the aisle"), Lianne for helping me finish the season on a magnificent high and Maggot the Team Coach for his support throughout the season. he tells me Honda have registered and sold some 750 or so cars this March, maybe we will be playing in Gold shirts next season.
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Thornbury F vs Forest Green D - Better late than never - 12th Mar 2008
With top slot in div 4 now just part of their dreams the Rubbish needed to respond by cementing second place. With Lianne under the weather it was left to the other team members to shore up the sides of the tunnel leading to second place, but just as Charles Bronson found out in The Great Escape occasionally the ceiling collapses. Naturally Captain Grampy delivered in the first match sending the refreshingly open attacking player Tony back home having only give him 10 points all match. Meanwhile GW played Neville on the second table and although not a very threatening player Neville has great consistency and GW was hopelessly out of touch losing 3-0, the most interesting occurrences taking place when the ball dropped into Tracy's kit bag. GW took the plunge into the lucky dip hoping desperately to get tangled up in a pair of Tracy's spare knickers but had no such luck. Even a visit by the Teams Mentor, Maggot to make sure GW had taken his bat cover off proved fruitless in its inspiration. Tracy's evening began by forgeting the half time tea supplies so had to warm up her tyres in order to be back to face the other old timer John who took a hard fought 2-0 lead only to see Tracy level the match and take it to a decider which the old timer just pinched. Grampy's match against chopper Neville was a game of some outstanding defensive work by Neville under the swash buckling onslaught from Grampy which saw him take the win 3-1. GW was going from bad to worse losing in 3 straight to John in an uneventful match. Tracy carried on her good form against Tony in another 5 setter, this time of fast open attacking play and taking the victory over the newly crowned Div 4 Champion. Grampy beat John but not before the old boy had taken a game. Tracy could not quite match the consistency of Nevilles chopping losing 3-1, but taking a well earned game off him. That left GW to face Tony in the last singles game and with the clock now past 9:00pm the game commenced and as Tony took a 2-0 lead the other club members began to dismantle the other tables around as if to say it's all but over. when your are that low there is only one way to go and that is up, with some of his best table tennis of the season GW clawed his way back into the game at 2-2 then carried the momentum into the 5th and salvage what is arguably one his most satisfying points of the season, finishing the match with the venom and finesse of Jack the Ripper, sending Tony home with his first duck of the season. This was another complete reverse of the earlier meeting which Tony had won after being 2-0 down. With the other tables long gone and the doubles to play GW naturally lost the bat spin, after everybody had waited for him, so Captain and Tracy squared up the pair of NHS season ticket holders and after taking the first game the Rubbish lost the next 3, useless muppets. Our opponents followed us for pint at the wheatsheaf to reflect on the 5-5 draw. Tracy opted for a pint of muddy puddle which although it looks just like it sounds apparently tastes rather nice. GW's halves of shandy certainly tasted sweeter than they may otherwise have done. Captain Grampy is already planning the closed season training regime to put the R back in Rubbish for next season, as next week this season draws to an end, away to Nailsworth B.
Shot of the night, Won by Grampy with a return from one of Neville's near flat horizontal laser like chops, played with some pace, which he nonchalantly scooped up with contemptuous ease.
Final Score Thornbury F - 5, Forest Green D - 5
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Sheepscombe B vs Thornbury F - Slip sliding away - 4th Mar 2008
The Team Rubbish fingernails were slowly scraping down the blackboard last night as a disasterous performance left them clinging on to 2nd spot. GW's evening was over almost before it began, not sure if it was the running about before he met up with his team mates or the entire packet of his Captains Maynards wine gums that he chomped through during the course of the day ( much to his Captain's annoyance ) left his ability to move around the table akin to that of the chap who run ( or rather walked ) the London marathon in the deep sea divers suit, taking 5 days, 8 hours, 29 mins and 46 secs, just a touch slower than the current world record of 2 hours, 4 mins and 26 secs. Consequently he was hammered by the opposition leaving the rest of the Rubbish to do the business and his Captain gazing curiously at the ceiling rafters and trying to find a nice "short" piece of rope. Captain Grampy led the recovery, dropping a game to each of his opponents but giving nothing more away on route to another hatrick over Hugh, Joe and Old timer Martin. Captains performance was backed up admirably by Tracy who beat Joe in 5 and had a close game against fast hard hitter Hugh eventually Hugh taking the honours. So with the score at 5-4 to Sheepscombe, Thornbury's Rubbish needed to take the doubles to earn a draw, which they did with ease, beating Joe and Martin in 3 straight and all by 9:30pm. Hugh had made his apologies and left early to see some guests so the handshakes were brief. Just when the Rubbish thought it could not get any worse a further mortar hit the Rubbish team. The local pub just a couple of hundred yards, and the only one within what seemed a hundreds miles of Sheepscombe, had an electricity failure. So the team scampered back down the Slad valley just about remembering the 90 left bend that had sneaked up them on the two previous visits as the Team Nissan Almera GLX (with remote boot release) coped with ease as each bend came at it (even at a break neck 20mph). Eventually as the many lights across the valley became extinguished as the team rolled back into urban jungle of Stroud, parking up at a pub, where the pub's giant black standard poodle lay asleep on a dark wooden bench, I wouldn't like to see the state of somebody's backside if they failed to notice he was there and sat on him !! Anyway, just in time to see the nights Champions League highlights of the Arsenal becoming the first English team to beat AC Milan 2-0 in Italy at the San Sero stadium. So the evening had a happy ending after all.
Up the Arsenal !!!!!.
Luckily for G his Captain did not find the rope he was looking for !
Final score Sheepscombe B - 5, Thornbury F - 5
Thornbury F vs Thornbury E
The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old Thornbury Town
27th Feb 2008
As the Thornbury F played host to their stable mates the E team, the F team's overworked Captain decided to take a night out of the spotlight and let the real Rubbish do the work for the first time this season. So with GW wearing the Captain's armband war commenced against Ian, Di and Mike. First battle was between the two Captain's GW and Ian. GW nearly let a game slip to Ian in there last encounter and was in no mood to let it get that close again taking game one 11-1, Ian fought valiantly in the second game taking a big lead but GW managed to claw his way back into it and take it 11-9 and run out an easy winner in the 3rd. Lianne taking the no. 2 spot played Mike first and put up a commendable fight, smashing Mike off the table at times, but the whiley Mike just pipped the first game 12-10, Lianne played a cracker in the second game taking it easily but this only prompted Mike to "up his game" which he duly did taking the match 3-1. Tracy was next up against the hard hitting Di, who was looking refreshed and in no mood to take prisoners. Tracy had the early advantage but Di levelled at 1-1, Tracy the took an easy 3rd game but Di fought hard taking the next two and with it the match 3-2. Lianne was in great form against Ian beating him 3-0 as did Tracy. GW managed to beat Mike 3-0, Mike not quite managing his usual form against him. Di beat Lianne in 3 straight which left her match with GW. GW had won from 2-0 down in their last meeting and carried that momentum into this match as he raced into a 2-0 lead this time but then he hit the marathon runners wall and began defending rather than attacking, which saw Di claw her way back into it and take the victory 3-2. That left Tracy vs Mike which was a good game, Tracy taking an early lead but Mike turned it around fighting hard and taking the win 3-1. This left the score at Thornbury F - 4, Thornbury E - 5 going into the doubles, which saw the F team Captain Grampy rise from the dugout and partner the bat spinning victor, Tracy. With a draw needed to save face a crowd gathered to watch, Mike and Di playing for the E team. Mike's sartorial eloquence in question as he stepped up with his track suit bottoms apparently tucked up his rear. With their Glorious Captain inspiring the F team took the lead. In the second game he put an uncharacteristic serve into the net prompting a loud Raspberry from the crowd. Di serving next put her two serves straight into the next in a desperate attempt to get the other end of the table convinced Mike had followed through and shit himself. But who was "The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old Thornbury Town" ? This distraction did not affect the home team who took the doubles 3-0 and with it the draw.
So off to the Wheatsheaf where Grampy had a crafty sniff of Tracy's knickers, sadly she was not in them at the time and Lianne told us all about the frogs sporn in her pond, GW denying all knowledge and stating that there was no need to DNA test it. It was all in good fun so much so that Mike started a little dance in the pub until he was reminded by Grampy that he UK had suffered one earthquake already this week.
With the spring evenings fast approaching and just three more matches to play the Rubbish visit their far away neighbours, Sheepscombe for their next encounter. Can Grampy finish compiling the 2006 - 2007 Team Rubbish annual before GW publishes the 2007 - 2008 edition ? No pressure Captain.
Final score - Thornbury F - 5, Thornbury E - 5
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Thornbury F vs Frampton C - The Battle for Supremacy - 13th Feb 2008
The visitors turned up mob handed with 4 and duly played the ultimate tactical joker.
Why they have a div 2 quality player registered in div 4 is beyond us but with their sister team Frampton B playing at Thornbury aswell one of the Frampton C team had to play up a division. It was not to be by far the best player in the team but the sacrificial lamb, the worst player, the Ginger Christine fresh back from sunning herself down under for the first half of the winter, no she has not been in the local suntan parlour tanning her minge but touring that Great Colonial Territorial outpost of Australia. Looking refreshed but still whining about getting no half time tea on her last visit she wandered off to play with the div 3 teams. That left the Rubbish with a mountain climb and not an oxygen bottle in sight. The usual playing order prevailed, Captain as numero uno, who began the evenings enormous task well, beating the wry old timer Glanville 3-0 after a tight first game. Second up GW faced Peter, GW won the first match this season between them 3-0, but no repeat of this was in sight, GW struggled against the new found form of Peter, just managing to take it in the 5th. Tracy chose to sit this one out so Lianne's first game was against the unbeaten all season, Simon, not an easy opener with Simon running out an easy winner, indeed as he did against Grampy and GW. GW's games against old timer Glanville saw some of his best table tennis of the season but the 3-0 beating GW dished out to Glanville in the second match oft the season was not to be repeated, infact it was reversed, GW losing 3-0 in a great game. Lianne battled hard against Glanville getting decent scores but not a match for the experienced member of Frampton C. Lianne was well syked up for the match against Peter and took a game off him but he recovered well and ran out the victor. Grampy easily dishing out a 3-0 to Peter left the score at 3-6 with the doubles to play. The bat spin saw Grampy take to the court partnered by Lianne but the two of them could not stop the force of the div 4 leaders who took it 3-1. So with the final score a 3-7 loss for The Rubbish the mountain has just got that bit higher.
Just the hardcore took to the pub afterwards with a couple of Whiteshill boys where Grampy went over some of the more frightening aspects of The last Rubbish Tour in Brighton with Mike Kiff who seemed uncannily interested in what Grampy was saying and may indeed attend the next tour.
Final score Thornbury F - 3, Frampton C- 7
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Randwick D vs Thornbury F - HRH Grampy RIP - 7th Feb 2008
On the cold winters night of 7th February 2008 in the East Randwick valley, Gloucestershire, the HRH Grampy hit an Iceberg (no not a lettuce) but the new kid on the block, a 15 year old hard hitting flyweight called Sadlier, Will Sadlier. Here is the full account of how the Thornbury wizard was sunk, just like the Titanic in the early hours of 15th April 1912.
Grampy took the No.1 position as is now customary and faced the other hard hitting youngster Dave Perry. Grampy's legendary serve went walkabout as the first game saw 5 foul serves leave Grampy's bat. The second game was not much better as Dave also took it and with it a 2-0 lead. The 3rd game saw Grampy dig deeper than the foundations for my kitchen extension as he pinched it 12-10 to stay in the game. The timing recovered in the fourth game as Grampy strolled it 11-4 which took it to the 5th where the wizard managed to somehow stay in it and pinch it 11-9. Much to the relief of his team mates Grampy took a seat as GW faced Will who had beaten GW twice (both in 5) this season already. It all started well with GW taking an early lead, Will then leveling it. GW taking an easy 3rd game only to see Will level again. So for the third time it was down to the 5th and yet again Will, the King of the 5 setters pinched it.
With the Randwick Protege, 10 year old Jack, tucked up in bed, Tracy had to face Randwick bad boy Sam. Tracy struggling a little with Sam's serves could not quite match the youngster as he won in 4. Next up GW vs Dave, GW taking an early 2-0 lead and having chances to take the 3rd going wide of the mark saw Dave take the 3rd 15-13. GW recovering well to take the 4th game and the win.
Grampy or some would say Grumpy was next up to play the bad boy. So lethargic was Sam in his efforts to retrieve the ball when it got tangled in the abundance of furniture that Grampy nearly ripped a hole in the wall demonstrating to the youngster the finer techniques of ball retrieval, ie if the ball is behind something, 'kin move it and you will find the ball. All this education was to be tested as Grampy beat the youngster in 3 straight.
Tracy was next to face the hard hitting Will, with similar fast open games it was good to watch, Will taking the honours with a tight 3rd game 16-14. By this time we had fed Sam enough maynards wine gums to choke an elephant but he still got to the table to face GW, GW winning 3-0.
Tracy was next up in her battle with Dave, another clash of hard hitting open styles which saw Tracy take a comfortable 3-0 win.
So it was a clash of the Titans to end the singles, and with Grampy playing like a 3 legged donkey with arthritus it was never going to be easy. Will took an early lead as Grampy's serves battled with the net. Could he summon up the powers of recovery that saw him beat Dave ? NO the old bugger lost in 4, useless git.
With four 5 setters running down valuable drinking time Grampy and Tracy took the bat spin at the 3rd time of asking and duly demolished the hard hitting Randwick pair of Will and Dave in 3.
We followed Dave in a quick dash across the valley to the pub, now with 3 boxer dogs where having just followed Dave in his car Tracy asked him "Do you drive ?" and she had not even started her drink at that point. A couple bags of stale crisps later we rolled down the hill leaving Randwick for another season. So it was not to be for our Glorious Captain to remain undefeated throughout the entire season, only the Arsenal can do that 2003-2004, up the Arsenal. So now only a single training session between now and the visit of Frampton C who occupy 2nd spot, behind The Rubbish. I've booked Grampy a session with Mental Mentor the teams coach for monday.
Final score Randwick D - 4, Thornbury F - 6
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Thornbury F vs Nailsworth B - Walking the tightrope - 30th Jan 2008
With Frampton C occupying top slot this week, if only because The Rubbish have a game in hand there could be no slip up this week as the shortening road to division 3 emerges on the horizon.
The Rubbish were collectively on fire in the monday night training session, could the Gloucestershire winds fan the flames and keep the fire alight ? The visitors brought a new face with them, Ed aswell as more established faces Judith and Dave. First in the ring was Grampy vs Dave, a comfortable victory for Grampy. GW faced Judith on the other table in a tight match GW, winning 3-1 after losing the second game but scraping the third 12-10 to get back in front. Lianne played new boy Ed next and secured a comfortable victory 3-0 showing that after a difficult start to the season her game is blossoming with the buds of early spring. GW despatched Ed 3-0 next then Grampy played Judith and she duly matched the home captain point for point returning his renowned serves of wizardry with contemptuous ease, indeed Grampy had to rely on a few windy miller forehands to grab the victory. Lianne battled well against hard hitting Dave taking a game off him, Grampy thrashed Ed 3-0 with two 11-1's. GW's last game was against Dave, GW out to avenge defeat by Dave in the away fixture and sure enough GW kept the flag flying with a 3-0 victory. Last up was Lianne vs Judith, Lianne showing true finesse with both forehand and backhand chops but it was not quite enough to topple Judith who had to raise her game to take the win. So with The Rubbish winning 7-2 it was time to get bat spinning to see who was going to partner Tracy who had been honing the forehand side of her blade with first division heavyweight Neil. GW won the spin took up the position up the rear of Tracy as she faced the early serves. It did not start too well with Nailsworth duo Judith and Dave took the first game, the home team taking an easy second game 11-1 and pinching the 3rd 12-10. Nailsworth took a tight 4th game leaving it all on the last game. Tracy and GW edged in front and GW secured the victory as a return of serve caught the top of the net and seemed to walk along the net forever before dropping on the Nailsworth side.
With quite a few of the away visitors choosing to join us in the local for a swift half, this week we learnt that Jim Hurford has already got another 3 points on his driving license after only just getting it back after a ban. Bloody muppet you'll never catch The Rubbish doing things like that. Best take the videos off U-Tube now Grampy.
Final score Thornbury F - 8, Nailsworth B - 2
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Forest Green D vs Thornbury F - In the heat of the night - 23rd Jan 2008
The Team Rubbish bus arrived on time apparently on the lookout for a brainless, numerically dyslexic dickhead and as I matched the description to a T, I jumped aboard. Historically the trip to far away Forest Green is a tricky fixture for the Rubbish, but having regained top spot in division 4, a new found confidence was in the air. With GW relegated to Muppet sub the job was left to his team mates to keep us at the top. With the hall radiators at full bore and no thought for their carbon footprint it was going to be a long hot evening, so GW set straight about the minstrels before they melted. Grampy was first up against the Forest Green relative youngster Tony (he is the only one without a bus pass). Tony remembered only too well the difficulty he had returning the wizards serves the last time they met and nothing had changed as he got beat out of site 3-0 by Grampy. Next up Tracy did battle against triple heart bypass man John in a thrilling 5 setter, Tracy getting the early advantage with her kalashnikov forehands but John managed to chop his way through the barrage of balls taking it 14-12 in the 5th. Next Lianne took on the Joy Adamson of Forest Green, 
otherwise known as Julien Crowther as the Mental Mentor Maggot arrived to rub salt in the wounds of the Mighty Fulham faithful. The claws were out in this match as Lianne took an early lead but could not get over the winning line, even with some bodyline horizontal smashes before Julien got her game sorted and again won in the 5th. Tracy struggled in the game against Tony losing 3-0, Next Grampy despatched Julien 3-0 despite a display of calamitous horizontal smashing. Then Lianne took on John in a fast open game, John taking the honours. Up stepped Tracy to try and tame the lioness Julien, Tracy almost losing her focus in the warm up as Julien blasted a few warm up shots past her. The game was another fast frantic affair, the lioness well and truly battered by the robot like rapid fire forehands that only Tracy can display, Tracy winning 3-1. Lianne played Tony next in another open fast game, not quite have the match practice she needs losing out to Tony. To round off the singles Grampy played John and duly out foxed the old timer with those serves taking it 3-0. So 5-4 down the Rubbish needed a little inspiration, luckily the Team Mentor had been warming him up during the tea break. It was time for Muppet sub to put down the minstrels and wake up as he and Grampy took on John and Tony. It all started well, the Rubbish taking the first game, only to see the home team level after GW mullahed the key point into the net. So it got a bit dirty in the next game as GW nearly took John's eye out with a backhand (well he's got an NHS season ticket to go with the bus pass) the tactics working as the Rubbish took it 3-1 earning a draw. So it was off to the Britannia for a swift half where Maggot proved he has a good eye for a couple of old dogs and where the travel arrangements were juggled, which meant that Grampy had to navigate his way home without his satnav, we made sure he had a flask of hot tea and some blankets, not heard anything from the midlands Police so we are assuming he turned the right way onto the A46.....but only time will tell.....hopefully he will be home by spring.
Final score Forest Green - 5, Thornbury F - 5
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Thornbury F vs Sheepscombe B - They thinks it's all over.........it's not quite - 16th Jan 2008
With the wind in their sails from last weeks resounding victory it was important to carry on the new found form against the league leaders.
So when the high flying opponents turned up with only two, there was the odd wink (that's wink Grampy) from the home team. A new face was among the two, Hugh, the dad of the hard hitting Tarran brothers, the boys who knocked us out of the Albert Mann semi final last year. First up Grampy took on old timer Martin as GW battled new boy Hugh on the other table. Grampy letting a game slip as the wiley old timer stood his ground. GW desperately waiting for his smac to kick in took an early lead against Hugh only to see him claw back a game to keep himself in it. The game had an amazing point where it was almost as if the pause button had been pressed Hugh virtually stopping because he "thought it was all over" but then miraculously managed to continue the point, GW taking the match 3-1 in the end. Tracy played Hugh in her first game, and despite fast and furious exchanges which are usually to her liking, Hugh's reactions were top drawer and he managed to pinch it. Grampy despatched Hugh but not before letting another game slip 13-11. GW was next up against Martin, historically this match has gone Martins way over the last two seasons but GW pulled it out the bag as he beat the old timer in 5. Tracy's game against Martin was also a close fought match, the experience of Martin just proving too much as he edged it. So with the score at 7-2 the doubles saw Lianne returning from injury partnered by GW after another victorious bat spin.
Lianne's service returns when facing Martin were dynamite but it was just not quite enough as the away team took it 3-1 making it 7-3 overall.
Shot of the night has to go to GW in the doubles, 9-8 down and 2-1 down he went for a wild backhand and the timing was not quite their, the resulting horizontal bodyline smash hit Martin square in the chest..... but the old git never even flinched.
So the league table next week should make more comfortable reading for The Thornbury Rubbish.
Final score Thornbury F - 7, Sheepscombe B - 3
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Thornbury E vs Thornbury F - Lionel Richie once sang..........
dancing on the ceiling - 10th Jan 2008
It was all about derbies last night, as the Mighty Arsenal took on the north London trash, Spurs, at the Emirates Stadium and the prime spot on Sky TV there was some more humble goings on in Thornbury where the F team lead by their glorious unbeaten collusus Grampy took on the E team lead by Ian Thomas, in their quest for the top spot in div 4. And so to war, with Lianne on the injury list it was left to the hardcore of team rubbish to battle it out.
The claws were out
With his teeth as sharp as the claws on his newly acquired pair of felines, captain Grampy as always set the pace destroying Mike Aldrich in 3 straight whilst GW fought back from 2-0 down to level against the E team stand in Graham Fitzroy, only to give it away in the 5th. Tracy had been on the wine in a prematch binge and hey did it show, her rapid fire blistering forehands leaving the E team in tatters as she returned all efforts to trip her up on her way to a glorious hatrick completed with fantastic style and only dropping one game all night. As Grampy took on Ian, GW scored as was instructed by Ian to include in the match report the one service return that hit the table as Grampy's balls were dancing on the ceiling and in every direction as his masterful spin dazzled the home team captain. With GW having lost out in the first match it was Mike that he faced second up. Would the hard hitting Mike be able to emulate his team mate, well GW took the first game but Mike upped his efforts to draw level at 1-1, the 3rd game which proved to be pivotal went to 10-10 where for once GW stood his ground winning with a supremely well judged edge. GW also won his encounter with Ian, ending with another narrow victory in the 3rd game 14-12 where Ian put up a great show. As always Grampy was busy dispensing with the rest of the opposition in 3 straight on each occasion. So, with an 8-1 advantage going into the doubles the bat spin paired up Tracy with GW whilst Grampy settled down to the scorers chair, but not before reprimanding Tracy and telling her to maintain her focus. It was a comfortable victory 3-0 sealed at 10-8 up with a GW blistering backhand special straight into the stomach of Graham Fitzroy, it is a good job it was not our Graham's gut or we would still be looking for the ball.
And so with a 9-1 victory under their belts it was off to the Wheatsheaf for refreshments where we learnt of unmarked silver Police 5 series estate BMW's giving away cheap driving lessons on the M5 hard shoulder in north Somerset, sounds like a great place for an away day. If only the dickheads put as much effort into solving crimes where there are victims we might have a better society !!
These are easier to spot in full livery !!
Sorry, been reading too much Jeremy Clarkson.
Final score Thornbury E -1 Thornbury F -9
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Thornbury F vs Randwick D - Oh my days - 17th Dec 2007
With the Randwick bad boy Sam Cowensay confined to barracks the opposition turned up with a new fly weight Jack Collings, just 10 years old. Rumour has it his dad works for TNT because this kid is pure dynamite in the making.
Young Jack is going to be Dynamite
Indeed the fearless youngster set a few sphincters twitching as he took the first game off Tracy, newly promoted to the no 2 spot. However, Tracy, used to dealing with the younger members of our community kept a cool head to take the next 3 games to run out an easy winner in the end. Meanwhile Captain untouchable had demolished Will in 3 straight to put the home team 2-0 up. Next G played Will as Dave, the 3rd Randwick member was running late. This one went to the wire where G tripped on it in the 5th losing 13-11. G then played Dave and run out 3-0 winner despite being 6-0 down in the 3rd, the best comeback in his Team Rubbish career. There were signs of the early season form re-emerging as Tracy dug deep to recover and win against Dave after being 2-0 down. Grampy duly put the newcomer Jack firmly in his place 3-0, as did G, Grampy also beating Dave in 3 straight not losing a game on the night. Will, the king of the 5 setters played Tracy, where she again recovered from a 2-0 deficit only to trip on the same piece of wire that had undone G. And so it was time for the bat spin to determine the doubles lineup and at the third time of asking G and Tracy stepped up against Will and Dave. The Randwick youngsters taking it 3-1 to give a final score of 7-3 to the Rubbish. So another night of if's, buts and could have been's drew to a close, but not before G's sphincter gave way in calamitous fashion in the sports hall sending a distessed Grampy scurrying to the carpark and some fresh air.
Final score Thornbury F - 7, Randwick D - 3
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Thornbury F vs Cam B - I fought The Damned and.... the Damned won ! - 10th Dec 2007
With loyalties split between the quest for supremecy in div 4 and the insanity of the Damned, The Damned won hands down as the Team Rubbish bus is off to a Damned concert on wednesday.
So rather than take on Cam B single handed as Lianne is under the weather the home game was re-arranged to monday. Without their star player Steve Partridge who has taken his place in the tree for the Christmas season, Cam looked ordinary and indeed Thornbury started well with GW stuffing Linn Callard 3-0 and Grampy beating Paul Stewart 3-1 to give the home side an early lead in the long road back to the top of div 4. Tracy won her first match beating Nigel 3-0, GW then also beat Nigel 3-0, Grampy took Linn apart 3-0 to make it 5-0. Tracy narrowly slipped up in her quest to beat Linn but in what is becoming known as a marathon match she again went down all the way with Paul just being squeezed out of it in the 5th. GW failed in 4 against Paul after missing a golden chance to be 2-0 up and put Paul under some real pressure. Grampy of course continues to set the standards in div 4 and duly mullahed Nigel 3-0 just giving him a handful of points. So with the score at 6-3 the bat spin saw Tracy paired up with Captain and they stood and delivered a much needed point after stealing it in 4 to make it 7-3 overall. The overall div 4 will now reads Frampton C, played 9 with 56 points, Sheepscombe B, played 9 with 55 points and Thornbury F, played 9 and 54 points. With the handshakes completed the team settled down to a well earned pint at the Wheatsheaf and the beginnings of the plan to get back to the top. There was talk of Mouriniho being head hunted to boost the efforts for promotion but it was decided that the only diving we will do is off the pier on the next Team Rubbish weekend.
Grampy now played 26 won 26, having dropped only 8 games this season so far. NO pressure captain, NO pressure.
Final score Thornbury F - 7, Cam B - 3
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Frampton C vs Thornbury F - The search for puppies - 6th Dec 2007
On the Frampton away days I meet the team at the Frampton venue. On this occasion I was there early and took the opportunity to get a bit of shut eye in the car while waiting for the locals only to be rudely awoken by a crashing fist on my drivers door window by young Jack, a new recruit to the Frampton crew. After I had released myself from the headlining I followed him inside. As the rest of the F team and the team Mentor arrived we span bats to see who would sit this one out and GW got the short straw. However as luck would have it our stablemates from Thornbury were playing the Frampton B team who only had 2 players so I subbed for Frampton just to get a knock which left my coverage of the F teams antics a bit thin. The briefest of summaries therefore follows.
Young Jack took the first game off Grampy, could this be an upset ? NO captain Grampy recovered to win 3-1, 18-16 in the 4th, the shock was to come when Grampy played Peter who GW and Grampy had both beaten 3-0 in the home fixture. Peter taking Grampy to 5 and only just losing 11-9 in the last game. Grampy thrashed oldtimer Glanville 3-0, surely retirement is on the horizon.
Tracy put up valiant efforts and took Glanville to five just losing out. Lianne getting back into it took a game off Peter and Jack, no mean achievement as they were both playing well.
GW partnered Grampy in the doubles but could do nothing to salvage a bad result as they lost 3-1.
So to the Bell in search of the puppies, who alas were missing. Grampys taste buds being singed by a mouth full of maggots Abbot which was full of chlorine. It did not stop us polishing the shotgun ready for the visit of the E team in a couple of weeks.
Final score Frampton C - 7, Thornbury F - 3
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Nailsworth B vs Thornbury F - Another horror story - 7th Nov 2007
As is becoming customary when I have a match report to compose mother nature wakes me early, last week it was 03:57 today a cranked knee and a brace of absolute trouser shredding farts at 04:04 that very nearly sent my duvet into orbit, did the trick.
And so after last weeks' surprise defeat of Team Rubbish, the like of which has not been seen since Sunderland beat Leeds in the 1973 FA Cup final.
The famous 1973 FA Cup final winning goal.
The shock sent such deep waves through the ranks of the Team Rubbish hierachy that Captain Grampy ordered some extra special training at his Bristol head quarters on pre-match day for GW with pasta and a couple of furry pussys on the menu, and that was before the freeview
(now banned) had even started. Mrs Edens apple pie provided a fitting end to the evenings cuisine and an early night was had by all. Not content with this Grampy summoned in the Mental Mentor, Maggot to try and inspire the troops as HMS Team Rubbish set sail from one Thornbury carpark or another on a mission to get us back on the full steam ahead on the promotion road, and indeed we were greeted by our very own carpark attendant and had the carpark all to ourselves as we docked at Nailsworth.
However, after Grampy took the first game 3-0 against Dave, it was not long before the first torpedo's struck, reminiscent of Pearl harbour on the 7th December 1941 as GW lost to Mike May in 4 after levelling at 1-1. Tracy started her campaign against Nick and after being 2-0 down levelled only to get pipped 12-10 in the 5th to give a 2-1 advantage to Nailsworth. Next GW found himself 2-0 down against Dave, who GW had beat 3-1 twice last season, GW managed to get the 3rd but drowned in the 4th with a display containing more crap than a 1000 episodes of Eastenders and as GW looked across to the bench the coaching staff were head in hands, just like Steve Mclaren and Terry Venables after his worst performance of the season. Tracy fought her way to a win in 5 against Dave but could not pull it off against the serves of Mike and duly lost 3-0. Grampy however keen to show the way forward to his mid-season flagging squad trashed both Mike 3-0 and Nick 3-0 and that was whilst giving the youngster an additional lesson in how to make best out of your ZX10 steering damper on a track day. GW's final singles match was against Nick who had won both meetings the previous season in 5, one of them after being 2-0 down and then 10-4 down in the 5th. Not that that was praying on his mind as changed his weapon for the old carbon bladed bat with Yasaka Mk 5 V stage rubbers, the fastest rubber Yen can buy. The rubber having mellowed like a fine wine after 3 years somehow did the trick as he beat Nick in 4 with uncharacteristic ease.
So Team Rubbish lead 5-4 going into the doubles where GW partnered Tracy against Nick and Dave but let it slip in 5 as they let the home team pinch a draw that should never have been.
So with the handshakes done it was the short roll down the hill to the village where the pub's decor is a cross between Charles Bronson's tunnels in the "Great Escape" and Arnold's from "Happy Days" to reflect of their failure to hammer the nails into the coffin of nailsworth. After many deliberations GW chose to enhance his cultural intake by reading about a sculpter from 1806 on the wall by the exit while he waited for the others to relieve themselves only to feel the damp hands of Grampy on his neck and be told that there were no paper towels in the bog, then Maggot piped in with he didn't wash his hands anyway ! So much for the cultural intake, but it is all in a nights table tennis with Team Rubbish.
Shot of the night was undoubtedly a pair of consecutive Grampy forehands which had he been on centre court at Wimbledon would still have been out by a country mile.
Final score Nailsworth B - 5, Thornbury F - 5
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PS - Many thanks to out long serving and loyal sponsors at BRISTOL HONDA for providing the team bus and to the Mental Mentor for his continuous words of support during our match..
C'mon on you ueslses muppets hit ittttttttttttttttttttt
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Thornbury F vs Forest Green D
Who loosened the wheelnuts on the Team Rubbish bus - 7th Nov 2007
Only Lewis Hamilton has experienced more pain this season when the muppets in the Mclaren garage made him stay out on canvas tyres in the rain in China just a few weeks ago. The wheels well and truely fell off the Team Rubbish Bus with the visit of Forest Green D on a night when the frosts of the south gloucestershire started to bite, reminding the division 4 leaders that being top of any division must be fought for on the beaches and in the fields and most definitely in the sports halls across the land for we shall never surrender. That said the opposition, a couple of old choppers and a refreshing new younger but equally as canny face turned up. G played Neville in the first of his 3 games and felt reasonably comfortable but lacked consistency in the chopping game and lost 3-0, Tracy played young Tony first and clawed her way back from 2-0 down to level but let it slip in the 5th. G played John the second old timer next and after getting the 2nd to make it 1-1 let it slip away losing 3-1. Tracy also lost 3-1 to john after taking an early lead. G's game against Tony was arguably the most painful of the night, G taking the a 2-0 lead in a fast open game only to see it slip away like an early morning mist as Tony changed his game to match the chopping style of his team mates which was enough to take the victory 3-2. Tracy played all her cards early in her game against Neville, also taking a 2-0 lead, but the tide somehow turned when Neville whilst spralling across the floor chasing one of those famous Tracy forehands let his tackle out which seemed to distract Tracy, her focus not returning after this event. Fellow Team Rubbish member Lianne, returning from a layoff, partnered Tracy in a great game of doubles narrowly losing in 5, indeed it involved a comeback from 10-3 down to take one of their games. But what of the All Conquering Team Rubbish Leader I hear you ask, well he beat the sh*t out of all 3 of them 3-0 to maintain his unbeaten record and to put some points on the board, having dropped only 4 games from 51 starts, so no more stupid questions please.
HAIL Grampy for we are not worthy.
And so off to the pub where the training regime was tightened up considerably with G downing a J2O in a mere 60 seconds, and where Tracy found a couple of balls in her pint, luckily they weren't Nevilles.
Final score Thornbury F - 3, Forest Green D - 7
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Sheepscombe B vs Thornbury F - Wolves on the loose in Sheepscombe - 30 Oct 2007
Team rubbish knew that it would be a long winter on its way if they could not get a result when they took the first trek of the season to the slad valley to their farthest opponent geographically but the closest rival in the league, Sheepscombe B. It was already pitch black as G jumped onboard the Team bus for the last leg of the journey, arriving on the dot of 7:30pm at the venue, a very warm village hall. With the now customary sequence of Grampy playing 1, GW 2 and Tracy 3, the battle for the division 4 top slot got underway. Grampy, always an impatient man on these occasions rushed into an early lead by winning 3-0 against Roz the last game 11-1. G managed to match this against the 15 year old Joe making it 2-0 -to the visitors. The team rubbish diamond, Tracy, was not quite shining from all facets to match the stars in the night sky as she tripped up against the Sheepscombe old timer Martin.
Are they stars ? or just more of Grampy's lost forehands
Next up G managed to avenge last years Albert Mann semi final thrashing by Ros as he nicked the 5 setter 11-9 in the fifth, Grampy dispatched Martin to get the Tea early with another 3-0 hammering and Tracy clawed her way back from 2-0 down to take the honours against Joe. G's stash of smarties was wearing off as he faced Martin and the lack of movement showed as he was thrashed 3-0 by the home team captain.
Tracy too could not quite repeat the dazzling performance of last week as she lost to Ros, Grampy however beat Joe in 3 with the sidespin serves taking their toll on the youngster to claim the matchball again with another hatrick, a finer collection of balls cannot be found in division 4. So 6-3 up with the doubles to play saw Grampy and Trace demolish Ros and Joe 3-0 as they were in a hurry to get the beers in making it 7-3 on the night and extending their lead to 5 points at the top of division 4. Luckily it is the shortest dash of the season up the hill to the local watering hole where it was not so much a pair of puppies that caught the eye, as they has on that now famous outing to Frampton, it was more a pair of fully grown St. Bernards that took certain stage as Grampy very kindly pointed out as I had may back to them, but I got my chance a bit later as they gently massaged their way by to go to the powder room, So with another memorable evening drawing to a close the Team Rubbish bus set sail for home with rather a lot of wind in our sails and the bus nearly missed the same 90 left bend we had last year as we almost ploughed some of the local field.
It was a narrow escape for the Team Rubbish bus
With a badger, a fox and a local tabby all spotted in the head lights of the bus during the remainder of the journey it was a fitting end to another victorious outing for The Rubbish.
They sure were a mighty pair, these St Bernards are quite a handful aswell.
Final score Sheepscombe B - 3, Thornbury F - 7
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Thornbury F vs Thornbury E
See our Captain, The Wizzard of Thornbury, Jive…….17th Oct 2007
I woke early this morning, 04:11, a full 59 minutes before my usual alarm, and with last nights glorious victory still ringing in my ears the temptation to "whack one off" was resisted in favour of meeting the publication time for this weeks report. There was more than one 'F' in Thornbury last night as tempers flared on the other tables but Team Rubbish kept their cool despite the attire to demolish the opposition as Captain Grampy led his team not down a yellow brick road with a cowardly lion but on the road to division 3.
First up he despatched Di with ease in 3, as G tripped up the brainless scarecrow on the 2nd table to make it 2-0. So the foundation was laid for another epic as Tracy beat both Ian and Mike but could not quite pull it off against Di whose forehand was firing on all cylinders, indeed Di took a 2-0 lead against G which meant that G was shoveling Australian turf by the time he had dug himself out in a memorable victory which must rank among his best to get his first 3-0 on the night. Grampy in the way only he can, danced all night in full Roy Wood attire destroying all infront of him with his serving trickery and hardly a bead of sweat evident, indeed I have it on good authority that Lianne won a game of doubles virtually single handedly as he smoked a hamlet cigar on the sideline as they crushed their opponents 3-0 to make it 9-1 overall.
And so to the pub singing, Oh I wish we could play team E, every day ay ay to the sound of Roy Wood's Wizzard I wish it could be christmas every day, well it's not far away now.
Final score Thornbury F - 9, Thornbury E - 1
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Cam B vs Thornbury F - Another night at the Stalag - 9th Oct 2007
We queued outside the barbed wire compound as darkness fell, the main beam of G's car providing the light enabling Linn to get the right key in the padlock and unshackle the tall iron gates. Once inside it all started well for the visitors as the battle of the Titans went to Grampy in a marathon 5 setter against the Cam Top Man Steve Partridge in what always proves to be a battle to hit the longest cross court forehand, Steve putting some great defensive shots back on the table tempting the infamous Grampy horizontal forehand but the Team Rubbish leader was having none of it as he flapped his way to a glorious victory in one of the seasons most looked forward to fixtures. Next up G took on Linn and took the old timer apart 3-0 with comfortable ease only to see the wheels fall off for the rest of his singles games losing 3-0 to Steve and in the worst performance of the night 3-1 to Paul. The 3rd game saw the visitors fingernails taking a munching as Tracy let a 2-0 lead slip into a 5 setter but there was giving away this time as the Team Rubbish Diamond smashed, bashed and crashed her way to victory over Paul in what was a truely gritty performance which carried over into her other matches as she recovered after losing the 1st game against Linn to win 3-1 in a display of true pinball table tennis and with this renewed confidence took a game off Steve in what was most definitely the performance of the night and had her team mates scrabbling round trying to get a new contract drawn up because if this level of performance is sustained she too will be whisked into the upper divisions. Grampy of course trashed Linn and Paul 3-0 with his now routine display of carlos fandango serves while G and Trace finished off the fruit pastiles and the revels and the chocolate buttons etc etc. In amongst all this the Team Rubbish Mental Mentor had arrived to check on his by now very fat protegees. With Tracy having to take care of some urgent dealings on her dog and bone it meant that G had to drag himself into the arena for the doubles which was more suited to a Clowns display at Billy Smarts Circus as the floor had progressively become more slippery with each game that had passed until it was quite literally unplayable and dangerous.
The floor at the Stalag was more like arctic ice than a village hall
But hey !! this is where Team Rubbish put their bodies on the line as they recovered from being 2-0 down to 9-9 in the 5th only to watch the cruelest of nets give the home side match point which they duely took in another drinking time sapping 5 setter. With the last orders bell ringing in their ears and the handshakes done it was a race to get the Team rubbish convoy to the Yew Tree which saw G bottom his front spoiler and nearly leave it on the council estate for the herberts to glue on to a Citreon Saxo which meant he lost some yardage on Grampy and needed every ounce of grip the 4 newly fitted Pirellis could give to catch him up, If only Lewis Hamilton had been on Pirellis it may have been a different story in china last weekend.
Shot of the night goes to Tracy mid way through her beating of Linn in an exchange of fantastically furious forehands she just damped one taking the pace off it just after the half volley leaving Linn scrabbling around like a duck on ice on the treacherous floor in his efforts to try and return it.
Final score Cam B - 4, Thornbury F - 6
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Thornbury F vs Frampton C - Revenge is sweet - 3rd
Oct 2007
It was the visit that Team rubbish look forward to!!!!!, the clash with Old Frampton village and as the time drew closer so the weather closed in with the mist and fog taking over, Grampy saw the weather change on his route in and was soaked before the start. As luck would have they only came with two players so the Thornbury F team were 3-0 up before kick off and it only got better from there on in. Grampy taking on Glanville in the no. 1 spot saw a 3-0 demolition of the old timer, simultaneously on the 2nd table G gave Peter a 3-0 drubbing including an 11-1 victory in the first game. Lianne struggling a little after some time off did not quite have the match of Peter but good form saw her take a game off Glanville. Next Grampy destroyed Peter 3-0 which left G vs Glanville, and with G not having taken a game off Glanville last season and losing all 3 in the corresponding match last season there was Team Rubbish pride at stake and for once the Team Rubbish Colours flew high as G annialated Glanville 3-0, (11-3, 11-5, 11-6). The doubles saw Tracy and Grampy take centre stage and round the evening off with yet another 3-0 win albeit a bit closer than some of the others. So an 8-2 victory sees the Team Rubbish army march on.
BRING EM ON !!
Final score Thornbury F - 8, Frampton C - 2
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which is at a 28 year high and soaring with a great open game against Will, another new face playing against Team Rubbish, but which ended up in a defeat for Tracy.