Thornbury Table Tennis Club

The end of the season cannot come fast enough for The Rubbish, after holding a good league position for the majority of the season the wheels have come off big time, it reminds of a famous story about arguably one of the best footballers the world has ever seen, George Best. He was renowned for his drinking, gambling and womanising, and one day he had a Miss World on his arm as they strolled in to a hotel and booked a room after a night out at a casino. Later that night a member of hotel staff was called to the room to deliver some champagne where he saw the beautiful Miss World and George Best sitting on the bed in among a large pile of cash and he said "George, where did it all go wrong". Well The Rubbish do not have a Miss World in tow, we got no money and we're at a loss to work out where it all went wrong aswell. Randwick D turned up with the only youngster we have seen all season, Dan. The pattern of play was all too familiar, Grampy slaying all before him with the exception of Jim Hurford who even had time to time to play for his "A" team who were also visiting Thornbury, inbetween teasing us Rubbish with some high side spin lobs. G raced of to a 2-0 start in two of his matches only to be pegged back to 2-2 in both, losing one but winning the other and Tracy with that Kalashnikov forehand which battered Mark into submission at 11-3 in the first game, and which shows so much promise just needs to believe a little bit more, maybe a few pints of Guinness might do the trick, as the word 'believe' was at the core of one of their advertising campaigns a while ago. So with one more match next week, a postponed match against Cam C, the time will then be right to sign up for the summer boot camp where The Rubbish need to be all summer, along with their Mentor, to build up some stamina for next season, mixed in with a few tasting sessions of Guinness no doubt.

Where did it all go wrong

Thornbury E vs Sheepscombe - Never mind the Pate game - 11th Mar 2009

The postponed match against Sheepscombe was yet another in a long list of if's and maybe's. As is so often the case it all started well, with Grampy taking on Joe as G faced Hugh, both surged into a 2-0 lead but then the domino's started to tumble as Joe pinched a game off of Grampy before he recovered to take it 3-1 whereas Hugh managed to keep his momentum going and ran out a 3-2 winner. Tracy next up against Martin struggled to get her flowing game into gear as Martin took a 2-0 lead before Tracy turned it round to take the 3^rd. Sadly it was not to last as Martin pinched the 4^th. Grampy despatched Hugh in 3 straight, G managed to out fox the wiley Martin to make up for the loss against Hugh. Joe beat both G and Tracy in 3 straight and Martin took a 2-0 lead against Grampy before the long claw back began, and when it ended Grampy had saved a match point against him and with it his blushes. Hugh was 2-0 up against Tracy before she took a game off him but Hugh then took the 4^th to make it 5-4 to the visitors before the tea break was called. Tracy got the giant size one piece shortbread biscuit out which reminded G of the game "Public schoolboy biscuit" played at the countries finest establishments where you all gather round the biscuit and.................................................... With his many minutes of practice watching freeview G would never lose a game. Anyone back to the doubles where Grampy foolishly entrusted the job of capturing the draw to the dream team of Tracy and G, it was a great game where twice the dream team came from behind to level it and not a biscuit in sight but Sheepscombe ran away with 5^th game winning 6-4 overall. So at least one more point than the night before. The team made their way to the Barrel where we got some top advice from the current Stroud league division one champions who look like retaining their title this year. Tracy inparticular likes to play the hitting game so play the hitting game and sooner or later the shots you are playing will come good and hit the table and the opponent will always be on the back foot. Oh and Grampy kindly bought a new Team bus, A Belingo, as they say in France. But what is to happen to the trusty Nissan Almera GLX I hear you cry, don't worry it will be kept in fine fettle as a reserve, Belingo's are not Japanese you know and won't last forever but with just a handful of miles on the clock hopefully it will see us along the long..... long road to division 3.

Shortbread with a                                     May not see any more
hole in the middle ??                               shortbread for a while

Final score Thornbury E - 4, Sheepscombe - 6

G

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Sheepscombe vs Thornbury E - A bridge too far - 10th Mar 2009

As G peered through the curtains at 6:55pm hoping to see the headlights of a Team Rubbish bus in the distance there was nothing but darkness, oh and vibrating alert of a SMS txt saying that they had only just left Thornbury and the Mental Mentor Mr Maggot was to blame, apparently giving Captain Grampy some last minute advice about his hair doo. A swift reply saying that they would be late was rapidly retorted by a message saying have no fear we are in the Nissan Almera GLX and sure enough after the swiftest of pickups the motley crew arrived under cover of darkness as the trusty LCD clock in the GLX changed to 7:30.

Arnhem after the bridge fell
All that was missing was the parachute landing as the Thornbury crew knew little about what lay in wait for them just as the Allied forces did not know about the two Panzer divisions on vacation in Arnhem in September 1944, the Allied commanders choosing to ignore the intelligence of a young enthusiastic reconnaissance engineer which led the Allied troops to the slaughter. G told Grampy we should have a night in and watch the Champions League but no…. oh no. In summary there were not to many highlights for the Thornbury crew, their all conquering Captain slayed all that the Slad valley Sheepscombe team could offer as he proved he is the only one with a spine strong enough for division 3, the other two invertibrates had to be content with stuffing themselves with the rather aptly named jelly tots as they were both battered from pillar to post in their vain attempt to gain some points. Grampy did have a scare when he found himself 8-2 down in the first game against old timer Martin who is as wiley as the foxes that must prowl the fields surrounding Sheepscombe, but Grampy with a trick of two up his own sleeve regained some composure to take the match 3-1, young Joe Hobbins also took a game off Grampy and impressed everybody with his endless winners from chasing seemingly lost causes. After G had lost in 5 to Joe in a tight match he told Tracy to keep it off Joe's forehand which she did but complained to G after losing that he had battered her with his backhand, G swiftly told her to shut up and have some more jelly tots. The highlight of the Thornbury night was a point in Tracy's game against Hugh where she had him seemingly brake dancing on the floor in his attempt to return her fantastic barrage of forehands. 6-3 down at the tea break with just the doubles to play G found himself black batted in the bat spin as Grampy and Tracy battled their way to a 3-2 defeat after levelling from 2-0 down and in the process demanding that young Joe be drugs tested as he dissected the Thornbury duo with some astonishing shots as he and Hugh made in 7-3 running out worthy winners and in the process destroying Thornbury's dreams of promotion….b******ds. And so after the goodbye's were said, at least for 24 hours as Thornbury E host the postponed rematch the next day we took a table at the local pub to ponder where it all went wrong. The only answer was that 2 out of the 3 of us are Real Rubbish but as Meatloaf once said 2 out of 3 ain't bad. There were also some feeble attempts to educate Grampy into acceptance that a dog is a man best friend, even if it does not come back when called all the time, but he is more of a Lion man than a dog whisperer. To top it all as the GLX rolled down the meandering valley roads back into Stonehouse to drop G off the bus had to take a detour because of a bridge closure which resulted in crossing the railway line at a level crossing where the barriers was down. As the team sat waiting for the train to arrive, all two carriages of it Grampy pointed out that it was 11:09pm and that in 60 seconds the freeview would all be over. It just was not our night after all.

Final score Sheepscombe - 7, Thornbury E - 3

It was all a bit of rush to get to Thornbury for 7.00pm for G, he had to drop off an ebay sale item at the Mall in Bristol first at 6.30, naturally the lady collecting the goods was late by 10 mins which meant the adrenaline was flowing early as he rolled into the carpark at 7.04pm. Inside the tables were half way through being set up but at the wrong end of the hall so some hasty rearrangements occurred as G and Tracy waltzed from one end of the hall to the other with a series of tables.

I tell you John Sergeant ain't got nothing on them if only the flowing footwork would follow them into the matches. Anyway after the atmosphere had settled down from the early Defcon 5 setting the Nailsworth B team arrived which included the tricky serving Nick Marshall. The playing order now carved in stone saw Grampy facing Dave first and the Thornbury Captain suffering from a late winters cold did not fail to deliver and indeed he took it 3-0 to start the ball rolling. G was up against Nick on the second table and as a lot of the previous matches between the two have, this one went all the way to 5 with G clawing back to 7-7 from 6-1 down only to lose 11-8…. muppet. Tracy was on the table with Judith next and they too went all the way down to the wire where Tracy came from behind to snatch the victory. Grampy's matches get shorter and shorter as his talent has blossomed, he made short work of Nick and had some tremendous points against Judith not being able to fox her with his carlos fandango spin, he had to rely on his windy miller forehand, both matches won in 3 straight. G's game against Dave started before G woke up and when he did awaken he found himself 2-0 down but knowing that Dave is beatable put his mind to it and won 12-10 in the 5^th. Tracy also slipped up against Dave in the first game but recovered faster than G to turn it round and win in 4 with an 11-2 win sealing that game. G beat Judith 3-0 but Tracy fell foul of the Nick Marshall serve after taking the first game 11-4 but could not maintain the momentum as Nick recovered well to win in 4. This weeks bat spin saw Grampy confined to the bench to catch up on his sleep as Tracy and G took on Nick and Dave in another marathon 5 setter but the Thornbury tactics came good as they took a 5-1 lead in the 5^th before Tracy had to face Nick's serve so they had enough daylight to get to the finishing line before Nailsworth, so Thornbury won 8-2 overall. The two Nailsworth lads joined us for a well earned pint where we learnt that one of Grampy's young felines has spent half a week chomping on his record collection after accidentally getting herself locked in the sideboard. Nick Marshall has signed up for the Fire Brigade and will be piloting some trendy hovercrafts during his training. I didn't like to tell him that Forest Green is still on fire from the Thornbury arsonists a couple of weeks ago.

Final score Thornbury E - 8, Nailsworth B - 2

Randwick C vs Thornbury E - Calling occupants... of interplanetary craft - 24th Feb 2009

As G drove up in the early hours of Monday morning this week it was noticeable how much lighter the early mornings are becoming as he crossed the border into Gloucestershire. It prompted half a tear in his eye as it is the first sign that this winters TT season is entering the final straight. That said there is still much grafting to be done if Team Rubbish are not going to fade like the Arsenal have this season and with The Rubbish visiting the team just a single point behind in the league the stakes had rarely been higher. All started off well with Grampy arriving EARLY at G's leaving a slightly singed M5 in his wake on the ZX10, a full 15 mins ahead of the slightly more sedate transport of Tracy and The Mentor. Thinking their luck might be in as they arrived and found only two Randwick players in attendance was a dream too far as the third member, an old friend of the Rubbish, Richard White, put his smiling face round the door just in time for kick off.
First up Grampy faced Ralph and after taking a comfortable 2-0 lead Grampy let a game slip as a determined Ralph fought hard to take the third game, Grampy recovering well to take it 3-1 in the end. G took on Gavin next and managed a 3-0 victory to put the Rubbish 2-0 up which left Tracy to face Richard who given the chance is another hard hitter, as is Tracy, but she couldn't quite match the venom of Richard and he run our the 3-1 winner. It continued to go wrong as G took on Ralph and found himself 2-0 down before managing to claw his way back into it with an 11-2 win in the third but Ralph was just too good and took an easy fourth game to win 3-1. Next was the match of the night as Grampy tore through a ferocious Richard White attack nearly setting the wooden floor on fire as he put the Randwick number 3 to the sword, whilst the obligatory number of match balls rebounding off the newly painted ceiling en route aswell. Next on the card was Tracy against Gavin, and he managed a 3-1 win as the evening took on an uphill stance for the Rubbish. G was on against Richard next and after taking the first game was not able to match the hard hitter and run out a 3-1 loser. It was Tracys turn to face Ralph but with Tracy not firing on all cylinders it became a night to forget as she lost in 3. Grampy made light work of Gavin in the last singles which meant that Thornbury had to win the doubles to secure a draw. It started well with them taking the first game but then Randwick got into their stride and had the Thornbury pair playing slapstick as they run into each other in their attempts to chase the ball. So it was 6-4 loss for Thornbury. There was a tea break somewhere in the middle of the proceedings where when Thornbury relaxed and gazed up at the ceiling it was full of 13A sockets making them very suspicious of what may have been in the tea.
As is customary when we play Randwick they follow us to the local watering hole for some reflection on the nights events where once again G had to elaborate on the pate story, the repeat count getting up with that of Top Gear on Dave.
With two tough games against Sheepscombe to come.... division 3 seems a spec in the distance, a bit some of Grampy's forehands as they head for the stars.

Final score Randwick C - 6, Thornbury E - 4

Grampy and G on their way to losing the doubles in a slapstick comedy

G

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Thornbury E vs Forest Green D - Thornbury arsonists leave Forest Green in ashes - 18th Feb 2009

It is not very often the amienable Team Rubbish Captain displays the venom that was on show last night. Focused on revenge for the defeat at the hands of old timer Neville earlier in the season he had his loyal and trusted team mates equally as pumped up. Captain Grampy stepped up first to take on the 15 year new boy Mike who is another of the seemingly increasing number of talented youngsters coming into the leagues in the south west. It is the youngsters first season and he could not quite match the wizardry of Thornbury's finest cross dresser. Meanwhile luitenant G was making hard work of beating Julien as his dropped the first game before the smarties permeated his bloodstream and he picked up to win 3-1. Officer Dibble had the short straw and faced the formidable Neville in her first game but with a new found delicacy to her floating game she pushed the old timer all the way narrowly pipped in 2 of the games. G faced Mike next and managed a clean sweep but reassured the youngster as it is on only his first season his way will come. Grampy's venom turned to tears when 10-0 up in the third against Julien and so he put one in the net to stop the whitewash. Tracy beat Mike and Julien without dropping a game on her way to a brace on the night. G's last match was against Neville, who G had only managed to take 1 game off in 3 matches before but playing with renewed confidence from the previous Monday night's boot camp with the division one heavyweights Neil and Mentor Maggsy he pushed the old timer to 5 , taking the 4^th with 3 consecutive nets which seemed to upset the rhythm of the old timer. Neville not recovering from the nets and strategic taunts of his Captain who was scoring saw G take it 3-2. That left Neville needing a cup of tea before the battle with the Thornbury Captain. Regular readers will know that Neville is famous for a display of his unmentionables in a match against Tracy some while back and this again cropped up in the tea break as the Team Mentor said he would try it but his opponent Mike Kiff was not that way inclined. After the break G scored the match between Grampy and Neville, it was clear that Grampy was out for revenge from the outset as he tore through Nevilles defensive chop on his way to a 3-0 victory showing no mercy and indeed had him sprawling through the partitions on the winning point. So, 8-1 up with the doubles to play saw the two G's win the bat spin. The Thornbury Captain trying just that little too hard with the result of nearly belly flopping through the table on a couple of occasions but his trusty side kick pulled on the reins a couple of times and it resulted in a 3-1 win to make it 9-1. Another Forest Green team were at Thornbury facing the C team and they too lost 9-1 to the Thornbury new boys. It was not over yet, oh no, whilst enjoying the action replays of the nights events in the pub, Kim arrived from the D teams away fixture at Forest Green where Thornbury had also won 9-1. So a hatrick of 9-1's made the pints taste just that little bit sweeter and maybe Sheepscombe will crack as the pressure mounts.

Final score Thornbury E - 9, Forest Green D - 1

Cam C vs Thornbury E - Don't cry for me Gramps and Tracy - 10th Feb 2009

As G turned up in the Cam carpark with 20 mins to spare to chomp his way through his cheese and ham sandwich little did he realize that he had been beaten to pole position by the mighty Nissan Almera GLX complete with fully functional interior light, belonging to his all conquering captain. It became apparent as the drivers door swung open and the unmistakeable profile emerged and sauntered over to G's car with an invitation for G to join Grampy and Tracy for a few minutes of music to prepare themselves for the battle that lay ahead. It seemed to work for Grampy and Tracy as the swept all before them like the snow ploughs on the icy Gloucestershire roads where as G's performance can be compared more to the gritless lorries that stay back in the compound because the Council's have run out of grit. It all started well as the home team only presented 2 players out of their 5 man squad so with a 3-0 headstart Grampy set about leading the team onto a hefty victory as he made light work of Roy who has recently had a pair of cataracts removed on the NHS which sadly has left more clouds in one his eyes that there has been in the winter skys of late. We did ask him if he preferred a white or orange ball, Grampy's suggestion of a clear ball not being taken up. That said Roy valiantly stood his ground playing some defiant shots to make Grampy earn his victory, next it was G to face Nigel who was not quite firing on all cylinders and G took it 3 straight as the Teams Mentor the Mighty Maggot arrived to catch the last game. Tracy then faced Roy and it was not looking good as Roy took a comfortable first game but then somebody ignited Tracy's afterburners which resulted in a fine display of kalashnikov forehands and backhands which had Roy on the back foot, there just is no finer sequence of shots to watch in the Team Rubbish Arsenal. G was up against Roy next and made heavy work of it always playing catch up as Roy took the first. G managed to level at 1-1 in a close 2nd game but Roy re-established his lead as he took a narrow win in the 3rd. There was some good play from G as he dug deep to take the 4th 15-13 with a flailing backhand lash securing the game. So it was all down to the last game and G after some touchline advice from the mentor disected Roy with the first serve of the game to his cross-over point but was playing tentative shots as Roy took the lead and was again playing catchup and at 8-8 on his serve it all went belly up as he give away his two serves giving the old timer two match points which he took at the first attempt as G put the return off the table. This is the second time G has dropped a point which he should have taken which has resulted in a slightly stained 9-1 whitewash instead of a pure persil white 10-0 version. This left Tracy to meet Nigel who had beaten Tracy in 4 in the previous meeting at Cam but all facets of the Team Rubbish Diamond shone brightly as she once again displayed the most devastating sequences of shots that secured a win in 4 and with it a Nemisis was laid to rest. A brief count up saw that at 8-1 up going into the doubles meant a chunk could be taken out of Sheepscombe's lead at the top of division 4. The lesser mortals of Team Rubbish decided that the all conquering Captain should lead the team in the doubles but then again we all make mistakes. Both Grampy's backhands and his wayward forehands shot through the sky like a series of meteors on their way to Mars, or maybe Saturn, one or two may have even have reached Pluto as his Mickey Mouse effort almost single handedly dropped the second point of the night. It took the calming influence of G to assist his Captain to victory in 5 over the home duo to make it heavyweight 9-1 win. With only two opposition it was an early shout at the bar of The Old Spot Inn, a CAMERA pub of the year no less, but would the Rubbish make it as they discovered that the Nissan Almera GLX had its interior light left on for the duration of the match, no fear this is the GLX, Once seated The Rubbish set about putting the world to rights with there recommendation that anyone under 20 should not be allowed into Halfords to spend their pocket money on chrome exhaust trim and that thick ears should still be freely available from your neighbourhood Bobby and that anyone owning a pitbull should be subject to the second barrel of a shotgun, the first of course being reserved for the dog. I think the Team Rubbish transport could be traded in for a pair of Citroen light 15 staff cars for next season.

A Citroen light 15 may become Team Rubbish Corporate transport

Don't cry for me Gramps and Tracy

Randwick D vs Thornbury E - Windy miller finally runs out of puff - 27th Jan 2009

The team bus with Captain at the wheel and Tracy navigating was just about in the chronological tolerance zone as it pit stopped to pick G up on its way to deliver Team Rubbish to inflict a heavy defeat on the up and coming youngsters of Randwick. It was a new venue for The Rubbish but G had looked it up and was quite confident of its location, that was until Captain suggested switching G's Nokia satnav on which promptly had the team bus performing U turns down the tiniest of Gloucestershires lanes. It did not take too many seconds before it was slung out of the window and the team reverted to plan A, the Gaznav which delivered the team to the venue without any further fuss. However the kids we had expected to play were all tucked up in bed with the exception of Dan who had come to Thornbury earlier in the season, along with team captain Jim and Mark his trusty Mr 83.33%. There were two tables set up in a large sports hall so it looked like an opportunity for an early pint at a local watering hole. First up Grampy played Mark and duly dispatched him but not before losing the first game. Meanwhile, G was taking on the sole youngster Dan and also managed to beat him but again lost a game in the process. Now it was Tracy's turn to face the wiley Jim Hurford who was in now mood to take prisoners and took the match 3 straight to put the first point on the board for the home team. While that was going on G was battling Mark in a tight cat and mouse game where he lost the first won the second lost the third won the fourth so a tight fifth game was set up nicely and for once G pulled through coming back from 8-10 down to win game 5 by 12-10 taking what surely must be his best win whilst playing for Team Rubbish with Mark being high up in the averages and having only lost 3 all season. Next it was Tracy's turn to face Dan who displayed some fine fast shot technique but what he did not realize is that the Team Rubbish Diamond aka the "kalasnikov kid" is our specialist hard hitter and although she dropped a game to Dan was never in danger as she returned his finest efforts. Next it was the heavyweight clash between Grampy and Jim and with Jim having recently joined a Gym he was looking lean and fit as he took on the gut of the Team Rubbish leader. Indeed it showed as Grampy was played off the table as Jim took a 2-0 lead. But captain Grampy is no man to settle for 4^th best and he tightened his belt and along with it his game and edged his way back into it with a display of repeat windy miller forehands only matched sadly by Jims amazing ability to get them back on the table until Grampy was quite literally on his knees. It was an enthralling match to watch and showed just how far the Rubbish captain has progressed as he leveled at 2-2 and took it to a very sweaty 5^th game where Grampy let loose a barrage of forehand smashes that could be seen among the stars in the night sky as they bounced so high but it was all to no avail as Jim pinched it 17-15 to seal the win. While the heavyweights were locked in battle Tracy was fighting hard against Mark but Mark edged the victory. With Jim having a tough match against Grampy could it be the opening G was waiting for against Jim with him worn out against the Rubbish captain, no was the answer he trashed G 3-0 in the worst match of the night. A late cup of tea showed us just how many cups of tea can be strangled out of a single PG tip as both team limbered up for the doubles. So it was 5-4 to the Rubbish going into the doubles where the mandatory selection of the captain was joined by Tracy who won the bat spin. A cagey game saw the Randwick seniors take the lead only to be hammered in the second game to make it 1-1 with Tracy floating some beautiful chops back, but the Randwick pair just pipped the Rubbish to the last two games to earn them a 5-5 draw on the night. The local watering hole was The Lamb which was down a few more dark lanes where Grampy missed a handbrake turn and nearly left his rear wheel on the kerb, but there were no lambs to be seen, only two border collies, two springer spaniels and a black Labrador. Among the many discussions and conversation that took place G learned that Jim has employed for 13 years somebody that G worked with between 1988 and 1994 who was a very good TT player, it's a small old world out there. On the way back to drop G off there were rumours of the railway bridge being closed over night for repair so G navigated the bus round the houses to the other side of the bridge only to find it was not shut as it had been the previous night, the Gaznav not much better than the satnav so he too threw himself out of the window.

The lower you allow your morale to get
The longer our arms become
The farther you try and get away
The faster we will run
The more you refuse to hear our voices
The louder we will sing
We know that we can make it
Tho we are doing it so slow
When they say we are just not good enough
Because they think our pride has gone
Oh no, Something inside so strong
Means we will prove them wrong.

G

That ladder up to div 3 is very icy

Only Captain Grampy can stand proudly on the bridge of the good ship GPS Rubbish while the rest of us muppets are down in the engine room bailing out the water which is coming on board at an increasingly alarming rate. With the visitors Randwick C only a point behind us at the start of play it was going to be an edgy affair. Even after Grampy's cats turned the house into a featherless aviary which had to be cleared up before setting off for battle, it did not dent his concentration one little bit. G not quite 100% sat this one out and watched from afar as one by one the games slipped away with Randwick taking revenge for the 7-3 beating we inflicted on them by reversing the score this time and winning 6-3 in the singles, the bat spin left G partnering Tracy in the doubles and after a slow start it all looked good as they went from 0-1 down to 2-1 up with some cracking play. But then the ice broke and they sunk without trace as the Randwick duo of John Smee and Ralph Perry took the extra point and with it a 3 point margin into second place in the league. After the handshakes where Tracy commented on how warm Gavins hands were but he respectfully declined to reveal where he had placed them while watching the doubles. It was a slow icy walk to the barrel to drown our sorrows and with no bacon fries either. Nevertheless we talked furiously trying to come up with a cunning plan to see if we could ever emerge from the abyss of division 4. It is going to involve a fat chequebook in the January transfer window but it appears Manchester City have already bought everybody and they are still fighting relegation aswell. Just goes to show you that money ain't everything and we just got to knuckle down and Fight the Good Fight and emerge fresh as the snowdrops as they show the first signs of spring. Alternatively we get the Mental Mentor in through the back door, he will nail a few to the wall, when he is better.

Final score Forest Green D - 5, Thornbury E - 5

G

Thornbury E vs Randwick B - That long dark road..............to the Albert Mann - 24th Nov 2008

With the amount of sleep G gets being inversely proportional to his dose of smarties ( Gavin will explain it Grampy ) it was another 3 O'clock wake up that started the compilation of a harrowing match report. That combined with a set of handicaps that bore more resemblance to last weeks lottery numbers than anything else it was always going to be an uphill struggle for Thornbury E but unlike the seven shameful teams that could not be bothered to field a team in The Albert Mann Cup, Team Rubbish were there, battling against all the odds. With Captain Grampy on the bench even without a William Gallas type press conference it was left to the proletarians of Team Rubbish to battle it out with the young lads of Randwick. First to the arena was Andy vs Dave Perry and with Andy going straight into a 2-0 lead and it was looking good, but Dave was not letting it go and took the next two games by a better margin. G was playing Will and managed to keep Will down to a 12-10 win in game one but let it slip in the second losing 11-5 but pulled off a win in game three but lost the fourth but overall won with the handicaps counted. Tracy played Declan in her first match and put on an impressive performance against Declan who shows great technique with a superb forehand loop and a viscious backhand at the forefront of his arsenal. Andy lost all four against Will so did Tracy as the visitors piled on the pressure. G was also to take a 2-0 lead against Dave only to see it pegged back to a draw but worryingly the scorecard shows different, maybe I dreamt it. Tracy pinched a game against Dave but G lost all four against Declan despite superhuman efforts to run round a backhand which ended in a fosbury flop onto the sports hall floor. Despite this set back G pulled off shot of the night against Declan where Declan returned one of G's wild backhands only to see G re-return it to an unplayable line towards his midrif. Overall the Rubbish were well beaten by the youngsters of Randwick. And so with an abundance of handshakes we rolled down to the barrel where it took four attempts and a degree in maths just to balance the PAYP cash box. All this while other senior members of the club were in pre contract talks with another pair of hopefuls who may join us but didn't seem to be too happy with the offer of 50k a week, especially when they found out it was lire. We also learned that Janet and John books are very much alive on Radio 2 and that Mrs Wogan has a ample pair of melons. Young Rachel and her friend Amanda I think it was did a fine job of distributing the half time tea and and even finer job of returning Grampy's one liners in the pub, not a lot people can do that. And so for another year the Team Rubbish attempt to lift the Albert Mann Trophy does not get much past base camp, but one day the sun will surely shine from the summit as Grampy lifts the trophy aloft, it is what dreams are made of.

One day... Team Rubbish will reach the summit

Final score Thornbury E - 543, Randwick B - 640

Cam B vs Thornbury E - Who needs you Captain - 18th Nov 2008

The Rubbish arrived early as the air started to chill in the dark open skys above Cam, eager to make sure that the rudder of GPS Grampy stayed firmly planted in the water as their illustrious leader takes his mid season break to recover form last weeks battering by Jim Hurford. As luck would have it Jim was also waiting outside to play the other Cam team. Our opponents were the same Cam team that we had narrowly beaten 6-4 at home, Bev and her son Joe, and the hard hitting Gordon.
G took the no. 1 spot in Grampy's absence and made light work of Gordon winning in 3 straight to set the tempo for the evening. Next up Andy who has taken no time at all to settle into the Rubbish routine played young Joe and after taking a 2-0 lead let it slip as the youngster took the third game but after some ear ache, I mean advice from Tracy he pulled through in the 4th to make it 2-0. Tracy's first game was against Bev who has a very consistent game throughout and indeed it showed as she took a 2-0 lead, but at this point of no return somebody took the lock off the kalashnikov and she started firing at a frequency faster than the last 20 seconds of a freeview as she battered her way back into the match to level at 2-2, and in a long 5th game took it 14-12 to take a well earned scalp. Next Andy played Gordon and in a real topsy turvy game lost the 1st then levelled, lost the 3rd then levelled then pipped it 12-10 in the 5th. Indeed in his titanic effort to beat Gordon he threw the head of his bat off its handle such was the ferocity of his efforts and had to use Tracy's bat instead. So at 4-0 up it was G's turn to tackle Bev and raced into a 2-0 lead against Bev who had beaten G 3-0 in the home fixture, it was a good display G clawing his way from 8-2 down to win the second game. But then it was Bev's turn to show what she was made of as she levelled at 2-2 and in the 5th it went to 16-16 where Bev got a timely net to give her match point which she took as G put one long off the table. Tracy was back at the table next to face Joe, she was in no mood to take prisoners as she blew the youngster out of the water with a 3-0 win. Andy played Bev next and it all looked to be going wrong as Bev took a 2-0 lead but as the theme of the night took over he too levelled at 2-2 but let his great work slip in the 5th as Bev took it comfortably. The penultimate singles saw the hard hitting Gordon take on Tracy and he smashed Tracy off the table but as she had done against Bev, playing with confidence never seen before absolutely smashed the crap out of Gordon with more repeat forehands than there are repeats on the BBC. Gordon could just not cope with the savage attack as he put more and more shots to her forehand, it was like feeding raw meat to an angry Tigress.

Thornbury E vs Randwick D - You'll win nothing with kids - 12th Nov 2008

A famous one liner from Mr Alan Hanson of BBC's Match of the day many years ago and it's very true, especially when you don't play any of them. There we were expecting a team full of kids and their booster cushions to turn up but no, the kids were reserved for the home games and two heavyweights with 100% and 88.89% averages arrived. In fairness the third player was a young lad with promising technique as it turned out. With our own Captain also on 100% it was the battle of the Titans for Team Rubbish. Grampy started off against Mark who on 88.89% was no push over as his captain was taken all the way to 5 sets and just pipped it 11-9 in the 5th to keep his 100% record.
G's first game was against the wiley Jim Hurford with the 100% record who won 3-0 without too much trouble. G then scored the match between Tracy and Dan, the new lad, keeping one eye on the other table watching the battle for the 100% record between Jim and Grampy which also went all the way to five where instead of opening a points "window" as we call it midway through the 5th Grampy went and jumped out of it losing 11-6 in the 5th, you just can't get the staff these days.
Meawhile Tracy was making hard work of beating young Dan who managed to take Tracy to 5, where from 2-1 down she showed real character to win the last 2 games 11-6 and with it the match. Both Grampy and G beat Dan with relative ease. Tracy had close matches against both Mark and Jim but could not manage to scupper the Randwick heavyweights. The last singles saw G against Mark and with G taking the first game it looked promising but Mark dug in and recovered taking it 3-1. So with the visitors winning 5-4 the bat spin pitched G and Tracy up against the Randwick seniors which saw some good TT but they just could not pull the victory to get a draw overall, so The Rubbish lost 6-4.
And so it was a slow saunter to our new watering hole, The Barrel, where we met up with Julz of Team A fame where we discussed the amazing skills of the dog whisperer, Cesare Milan who has a real knack of demonstrating pack leadership to the canine world, a bit like our own pack leader Grampy when he weilds a flashing backhand cushion at young Pickle, or is it Grace, when it's time for bed, anyway which ever one of the little felines it is they don't mess with him no more......oh no. I just don't think that cushion would have the same effect on a 10 stone Rottweiller somehow. In amongst the jokes flying around G reminded his colleagues about he man who went to the disco in his shiny polished wellies and right on cue the nice blonde barmaid turned up, but sadly she was wearing trousers and G did not have a long enough periscope.

Shot of the night was a tie between a superb downward backhand away swinging smash return by G in the doubles which not only had Jim Hurford flat footed and speechless but grasping for his camera and a fantastically timed forehand mishit by Tracy which caught both net and edge on its way to winning her a point against Mark.

With their leader taking time out for the next two weeks it will be a rudderless Team Rubbish that trys to navigate its way out of the choppy white waters of the rough end of div 4. I think we may have sunk by the time he gets back.

Hope he brings us back a stick of rock.

Final score Thornbury E - 4, Randwick D - 6

G

Oh....................thank goodness for Grampy, the only member of the Rubbish who stood his ground and tamed the savage wolves that were loose in the farthest Gloucestershire outpost, Sheepscombe last night. The only place for the rest of us was at the top of tonights biggest bonfire as the shocking performances allowed Sheepscombe to cement top spot in Div 4. As is usual Grampy set the pace with an unusually easy victory over the Nigel, the Sheepscombe man who had only lost once this season. G followed up against Roz and managed to pinch a game which would be the only game he would win all night, Andy matching this by also taking a game off Roz who truly has some of the finest shots in the division and is great to watch. Young Joe who has improved tremendously since last season also managed a hatrick. With two ducks in tow the Thornbury wizard even resorted to stuffing the opposition with as many E numbers as possible from our enormous sweetie bag in the hope that it may slow them down but it was all too no avail.

With G on the bench being rested for next weeks away game at Sheepscombe a brief report follows of the sterling job his team mates did of hammering Nailsworth B. Starting with Captain Kawasaki who has developed a bad habit of taking his eye off the ball when in a comfortable lead, similar to the Arsenal defence, nevertheless he did as always deliver 3 out of 3 dropping just that one game. New boy Andy had a stormer also winning all 3 and with Tracy following up with a nice pair it made for a good night, a hatrick was within grasp until an untimely interruption was made. With his team mates hard at it G warmed up with the Thornbury B heavyweights Mentor Maggs and John Fraser but when he took to the table to partner Tracy in the doubles all the good work went to pot as they got stuffed 3-0 by Nailsworth. At this point the evening had gone well, Arsenal were 4-2 against Spurs but as G sat in his car listening to the last few minutes it went horribly wrong as Spurs scored 2 in the last few minutes to grab a draw. When somebody had the cheek to remind G of this he forgot that he was in the company of some younger more delicate ears, I do hope Rachel doesn't speak German. Next weeks clash should determine who heads Div 4.

Thornbury E were on fire

Oh what a night, it wasn't just that firework night is just around the corner or the fact that Tracy's birthday is on firework night that had the Thornbury fire station on standby last night. Thornburys Rubbish was on fire BIG time as they thrashed the Forest Green old timers John and Julien and there was no sparing of the sword for the new youngster Dylan. Historically not an easy team for the Rubbish to beat losing 3 out of the last 4 encounters, but what started off as a mild singeing of the opposition turned into a full scale bush fire as the Rubbish went through the opposition like a 44 magnum at point blank range, leaving them somewhat stunned. There was a couple of slight signs of hope for the Forest Greenee's as Julien took a game off G to level at 1-1 but G was in no mood to let it slip seeing both his team mates win all their matches 3-0. The second sign came in the doubles where Captain fluffed the bat spin leaving Tracy and G to deliver the whitewash which started well with the Rubbish 2-0 and cruising but suddenly the water got a bit icy and the ice bergs started to appear. The visitors who fielded John and young Dylan got it back to 2-2 before the Rubbish reignited and took an easy 5th game and with it a memorable victory. Meanwhile, I feel I have to mention that whilst this rare accomplishment was undergoing its final stages in the doubles, our Glorious Leader was yawning his head off desperately trying not to fall asleep among the excitement. And afterwards to a new watering hole much nicer than the old one, although the chairs need to some reinforcing to cope with a fully leathered up Captain, but don't worry Captain the history books tell us that our finest King, Henry VIII had to be craned onto his horse to go into battle, at least you can still get your own leg over your ZX10, for now !!!!!!!!

I thought it was supposed to be tough at the top, well it is proving even tougher at the bottom for Thornbury E without their invincible leader who sat this one out to allow new recruit Andy Mattingley off the bench for his full debut. Tracy took the no. 1 spot on the card but fell at the first hurdle against a much improved Nigel Meredith who seems to have made the switch from the cocks of badminton to the balls of table tennis. Next up G took on an old timer Roy taking a step down from the higher divisions where our great Cam hero Steve Partridge has taken his place, he will be sorely missed by Grampy who has had some his finest moments against Steve. Never mind the fact that Roy is waiting to have cataracts removed from both eyes, it is no wonder the NHS is in such a state with totally unnecessary operations like this being performed, the old bugger only dropped one game all night, to the Kalashnikov kid herself, Tracy who warmed up nicely as the evening progressed. It reminded me of one of my favourite childhood TV programmes "Kungfu" where grasshopper had the blind master teaching him, he even had table tennis balls for eyes as I remember. Andy managed to beat Nigel to take his first victory for the Rubbish, he also took a game off of the wiley old Joe. Tracy beat Joe in 4 where as G took 5 to beat the other old timer who seemed to spend more time knocking lumps out of the table that hitting the ball, maybe he should be checked for cataracts aswell. Thornbury E were always playing catchup, G beat Nigel in 3 which left Thornbury E needing to win the doubles to get a draw. this was the moment that our captain had been waiting for, after stuffing his face with a mass of fruitella's and wine gums all night watching his truly Rubbish recruits cling on to their unbeaten run of 1 match this season. With the Team coach, Maggot now in attendance surely this all we needed. It was Tracy who won the bat spin and took on the two Cam old timers in the doubles which proved to be a very topsy turvy match, in the end going to 5 where even the flashing blade of Thornbury could not slice through the experience of those two old boys who took the doubles and with it the match 6-4. With Grampy on the bench all night and only in attendance for the post match beverages it was a hasty exit. Maggot and Tracy zoomed off in the distance as time was getting on only to here the pub door being bolted as they got out of the car. I tell you even in a bloody Type R they could not get to the pub before it shut, never mind it was only 500 yards away, it is no wonder Jenson Button cannot win shit either. We must have some more horse power in next years team bus, Mr Maggot. So with the look on Grampy face like that of a new puppy that just has his masters badly chewed shoe taken away from him it was decided that the beverages would be served at the Dibble residence, and with that being a bit of a long trek for G he bid them farewell and made his way home not stumbling across a single cattle grid or patch of fog anywhere. Who needs SATNAV anyway.

Even the Type R could not get to the pub before it shut

Final Score Cam C - 6, Thornbury E - 4

G

Thornbury E vs Cam C - A garbage first victory for the Rubbish - 24th Sept 2008

After the powers that be renaiged on their own written rules and failed to promote the top two from div 4, Team Rubbish who should playing against the "not quite so shite" of div 3, instead find themselves engaging in another season of bare knuckle street fighting for supremecy of div 4. With a Captain that could not hit a bus with his forehand swing and G not able to walk straight half the day the Rubbish will be up against it and will looking towards their shining jewel with the forehand repeat capability second only to a Kalashnikov assault rifle and the new recruit Andy Mattingley who I am sure does not know what he has let himself in for.
As the rolling Gloucestershire hills once again gather the dew, not that the dampness ever left this year, it is when the hills become alive with sound of table tennis balls bouncing off the walls of the village halls and sports centers, and no thats not just Grampy's forehand.
The 08/09 season kicks off with a home match for the Rubbish against 3 new faces on the circuit forming a new team from Cam, their new posh venue attracting more recruits than the old barbed wire Stalag.
First up Captain Grampy took on Bev the mother of Cam's younger member Joe and all but destroyed her winning the first 2 games 11-3,11-1 but then took his eye off the ball letting Bev capture the 3rd game as her undoubted skill saw her master some of the Thornbury wizards spin. Grampy pulled it round winning 3-1. Meanwhile G was emulating Grampy on the second table beating the Cam number two, Gordon 3-1 in a closer match. Tracy then took the floor and beat the Cam youngster 3-0. Grampy went on to take his other 2 matches 3-0 in typical fashion while G tripped up against Bev in the last singles, getting stuffed 3-0, Tracy's diamond facets a little misty this early in the season saw her lose a tight match against Bev and also Gordon.
G won the bat spin and stepped up with new boy Andy to face Bev and Gordon in the doubles losing a closely contested match 3-1.
All in all an under par performance from the Rubbish nevertheless resulting in a 6-4 victory, surely the sign of champions.
Our Rubbish victory being slightly over shadowed on the night by minnows Brighton knocking the Billionaires Manchester City out of the Carling Cup on penalties.
And so to the pub for a swift half where Tracy discovered some extra funds in a bag in the cash box and almost done a runner down the chinese before realising it was probably monday's takings and that it was best not to spend it on a crispy duck.

The chinese would have been nice