Thornbury Table Tennis Club

The ever so slightly edited version of the Summary of the highs and lows of Team Rubbish during 2009/2010. Can they survive in division 3.

Another effort this time to the tune of That's Entertainment by The Jam, 1980

A police car and G in a prison cell -
A blonde doll with her new hair brush -
A baby howling because Dad’s not there at bath time -
The screech of brakes and Maggot in a Type R -

that's Team Rubbish.

A new SDS drill and lots of holes in Gloucester -
A dog called Charlie who doesn’t always come back -
Blood splattered roads and the cry of a flatcat - Maggot holding his head in desperation -

that's Team Rubbish.

Hours of practice in amongst penny sweets on Mondays -
Snowing buckets on a freezing Wednesday -
Stuffing Pizza down our neck cause we ain’t had no tea -
A freezing house with switched off central heating -

that's Team Rubbish.

Waking up at 3 a.m. on a cool morning -
Opening the windows and listening to the dogs barking -
Maggot with his 9 iron climbing out of bunkers -
Watching Grampy’s new tele and thinking about our next tour -

that's Team Rubbish.

Waking up from bad dreams because Grampy’s got no forehand -
The mirror of G who ain’t got a backhand -
And then there’s Tracy who smashes it first time on any hand -
With Maggot on the sidelines trying to keep calm -

that's Team Rubbish.

G getting lost and arriving home way after midnight -
Two muppets resulting in the team getting relegated -
But rising like the Phoenix and dreaming of promotion -
We never stop believing in our wonderful Captain -

that's Team Rubbish.

Grampy on his ZX10 but he can't use his satnav -
He's going nowhere, but at least he's quick about it -
G's satnav is cobblers - it sends you round in circles -
We need Maggot with Honda's version -

that's Team Rubbish.

Thornbury D vs Randwick B - Just not good enough - 7th Apr 2010

The same three Randwick Herberts turned up that thrashed us last week, Will, Dave and Dan. Pretty much same sh*t different day as this time it was 8-2 rather than 9-1, Grampy managing to get revenge on Dan. At least it was warmer at Thornbury which made for some better table tennis. Grampy kicked off against Will and suffered another defeat at the hands of the talented No. 1 meanwhile G pinched the first game against Dave from 7-3 down which woke Dave up and he took the next 3. Tracy lost in 3 to Dan, as did G. Tracy pinched a game off Will and took Dave to 5 losing a tense 5^th game. Grampy dispensed with Dave in 3. Will beat G in 3, leaving Dave and Will paired against Grampy and Tracy in the doubles, the Randwick pair running out 3-1 winners.

When we got to the Barrel for our refreshments the focus was on how to improve our games for next season. A brief conversation which was followed by a story about Mary who had a new long skirt that was made of nice green grass and when she walked along the road at times you could see her ar*e, she also had a blouse with splits that when worn exposed her t*ts, but best of all she had a skirt with splits right up the front, but sadly she does not wear that one very often. Anyway it looks like this years summer boot camp will be longer than the hard winter just gone, it will need to be.

Thornbury D – 2, Randwick B - 8

Randwick B vs Thornbury D - And so just one more match, before the curtain – 31st Mar 2010

The ability to summon up some interesting reading is getting as tired as my table tennis. Another shocking performance from an outclassed Rubbish Team saw us thrashed 9-1 by the Randwick youngsters. Even our ever loyal Captain was looking as if he was feeling the strain as he managed just the solitary point that prevented another whitewash. The evening started off in a confused state as we arrived at Randwick village hall only to find that two Randwick teams were expecting to play there. Rather than set up two tables they sent us packing to the Igloo called Ruscombe Hall where you can either have light or heat but not both. Non of the games are really worthy of reporting with the possible exception of Grampy’s fight back against Dan from 2-0 down only to lose 11-9 in the fifth. G went half way when playing Dan, getting a game off Dan when 2-0 down but could not make it 2-2 losing a easy 4^th. The rest was absolute b*ll*cks. It seems to have been a long season this year maybe it’s because I have been looking for the finishing line for too long as my game has been on the ropes for a while now. Still you got to take the positives out of it all, Tracy kindly bought us all an Easter egg, I bought half a dozen hot cross buns which nobody fancied so I got them for breakfast, dinner and tea today. I think we are all in need of a rest and a recharge before we begin the challenge for supremacy in division 4 next season.

Randwick B - 9, Thornbury D -1

Thornbury D vs Frampton B - Just too little too late - 24th Mar 2010

With the official season over it is just the postponed games from the harsh winter that remain to be played, the first for us is against the old timers of Frampton B. With Captain running a little late due to work G and Tracy kicked off against Peter and Dave respectively. G found himself 2-0 down again playing Peter, picked up a bit in the 3^rd to take it but lost the 4^th, Tracy on the other hand lost her first game but then proceeded to teach Dave that you got to be a Master to try and Mullah our Tracy off the table and try as he might she responded and run out the 3-1 winner. Grampy arrived just at the right time to step in the ring against Len the man with the horizontalist smash in the division. You just have got to keep the ball off his forehand and Grampy with relentless precision proceeded to do that and took an easy first game, Len got a grip of his game then and took the next two forcing Grampy to again concentrate on Len’s backhand side and it paid off as he levelled and then went on to pinch a tight 5^th game. Tracy’s game against Peter saw her take game one but then let it slip away with too much advice ringing in her ears. G found himself 2-0 up against Dave only to let it all go to pieces as Dave took games 3 and 4 easily and then snatched a tight 5^th. Grampy took 5 to beat Peter and 4 to beat Dave as he stormed to another hatrick, Tracy took the first game against Len but lost in 4, G has never beaten Len but frightened him as he took a tight first game, Len responded by taking games 2 and 3 but G forcing all the play to Len’s backhand took the 4^th but the old timer took an easy 5^th. The doubles saw Grampy and Tracy take on Dave and Len and they proceeded to take them apart as they won 3 straight to get a creditable draw on the night. So it was off to the barrel to top up with pepperoni pizza and contemplate life back in the bowels of division 4 because although as a team we are at playing quite well at the moment, all the other b*st*rds are playing just that little bit better.

Thornbury D - 5, Frampton B - 5

Sheepscombe vs Thornbury D - The last burst - 23rd Mar 2010

With the Slad road closed there were pre match tours of the Gloucestershire countryside before we all eventually arrived for the last scheduled away match of the season. G had arrived first and was knocking up when his team mates arrived so stayed on the table to play the first match against the Sheepscombe number 1 Dave Shill, a quality player with some tricky disguised shots. G was slow to pick up the pace of the game but at 2-0 down managed to pinch a tight third game and take Dave all the way in the fourth before losing 13-11. Grampy stepped up against Hugh for the second match and with his forehands firing all over the place like some fireworks in the nights sky it was no surprise that it went all the way to five to secure the win. Tracy played new boy Martin in her first match, it proved to be another tight match going to a 5^th which Tracy duly won with yet more displays of pinball table tennis. Next Grampy took on Dave and promptly lost in 3, useless b*st*rd. This was followed by G vs Martin, G slow to get on the pace again soon found himself 2-0 down and had to dig deep to claw his way level and take it to a 5^th which he managed to pinch 11-9 to take the win with some character building play. Next was Hugh vs Tracy and with Tracy also finding herself 2-0 down had to conjure up some corkers to take the 3^rd game in amongst the b*ll*ckings from the Mentor, but she could not quite get the better of Hugh in the fourth losing narrowly. Grampy played Martin next and with his side spin mastery destroyed him 3-0 as Martin time and time again sent Grampy’s serves into orbit. Tracy faced Dave in her last match and as she gave her hair a quick few strokes of the brush before fitting her hair band Dave remarked how nice her hair looked, quick as a flash Grampy replied that Dave’s was looking quite good aswell, the fact that he is as bald as a coot had us all reeling. Tracy could not reproduce the memorable form which she had displayed at the earlier visit to Sheepscombe and Dave took a comfortable win. That left G to face Hugh in the last of the singles with G taking second best as Hugh won in 4. The bat spin saw Grampy and G match bats and take on Hugh and Dave, and despite some extra sherbet G’s legs were struggling and the Thornbury pair were mullahed 3-0. So a 6-4 loss on the night was better result than of late. There was time for the customary pint where we met up with one of the locals. We also learnt that the Welsh Vets league is full of a load of to**ers who can’t even be **sed to turn up for their matches leaving their opponents a 6 hour return journey for nothing, very considerate. As Grampy chomped on the last cheddar snack we made our way to the cars, The Mentor enquiring if G knew his way home, Tracy piping in with “your only 6 miles from home” followed by the Mentor’s wise crack”, you should home by 1am ish then, cheeky git. I was home having topped up with petrol, way before midnight.

Sheepscombe - 6, Thornbury D - 4

Frampton B vs Thornbury D - Doomed - 11th Mar 2010

**** me, I have just got back from the dentist after having the remains of a tooth extracted, they forgot to tell me that they were doing a remake of the film Marathon Man, if you have not seen it. Watch it. My usual dentist was not working today so I saw another dentist in the practice that I am absolutely sure could take the part of the Nazi dentist in Marathon Man. My teeth are not the best and over the years I have had considerable pain but this surpasses it all, no empathy, just a stone faced fat Nazi bitch who spent half an hour pulling on the root, if she had not been so fat I might have kicked her in the gusset and blamed the involuntary action on my Parkinsons but I would only have lost the steel toe caps I was wearing. I think I shall take the example of Mr Bean and do my own dentistry in future.
Anyway I am forgeting that there was a TT match last night that needs reporting on, even the Team Rubbish leader who has traditionally been the backbone of the team, albeit a slightly stiff one, has been a little off target lately. Last night was very much a night of some flashing blade shots from all 3 of The Rubbish mixed in with some not so good tripe. The Frampton Team was Simon who we all knew we would struggle against, Dave and Clive. Grampy played well againt Simon narrowly losing game 1 but could not quite match that performance afterwards and lost 3-0. G was up against the wise cracking Dave who he has won and lost against in the past but G could not live with Dave losing in 4. Tracy put in the performance of the night against Clive, a real up and down match that went to 5 where she was narrowly beaten. G's match against Simon was just a waste of drinking time. Grampy's match against Clive could have and probably should have seen a point on the board but it all slipped away with nets and edges as Clive won in 4. Tracy's game is suited to the way Dave plays and she took a tight match in 4 once again commanding centre stage when the fast game is being played. G's best effort was saved until last as he forced the pace against Clive but it just wasn't enough losing in 4 when it was there for the taking. Tracy had Simon on the back foot at times with her rapid fire ability but it was not enough to take a game off Simon. That left Grampy who demolished Dave in 3 with some lightening backhands. The bat spin was won by G and Tracy who faced Simon and Clive, the Frampton duo winning in 3 straight. So it was off to the Bell where we bumped into the President of Frampton TTC and his wife. While we ordered at the bar Tracy remarked "look what I can see" to G. Well there are two things the Bell is renowned for one is puppies the other is bacon fries, sadly G had to settle for a packet of bacon fries.
With the dental appointment the next morning G decided to drive home after the match to avoid any traffic getting back at just before 03:00. Plenty of time to ponder on where it is all going wrong as the curtains begin to close on a long winter season.

Frampton B - 8, Thornbury D - 2

Not a pretty sight

Some words about our Captain
To the tune of Meatloaf and Modern Girl

Once a masterful TT Captain went scouting for his team,
Had a little baby girl born on a June summers night,
But that was once upon a time, now it's a brand new era.

Give us the future
Give us the future
Give us the future with my Rubbish mates.

Give us the future
Give us the future
Give us the future with my Rubbish mates.

Something in his haunted past does not allow him to mention poo,
A strain on the ring, a fear of a falling in, who knows what it may have been,
We’re slowly rescuing him from his fears, and slowly they are fading away,
Another Rubbish season surely will see them banished totally.

Give us the future
Give us the future
Give us the future with my Rubbish mates.

Give us the future
Give us the future
Give us the future with my Rubbish mates.

Between the Team we were before and what we’re gonna be,
There's a smash on the forehand a lash off the backhand, Hey that's where you're gonna find me.
Can't we hear the Captain groanin' like a broken down machine,
Due to G and Trace playing like a pair of old gay queens,
But with Maggots training we’ll stand above the rest, Grampy it'll be a brand new world.

Give us the future
Give us the future
Give us the future with my rubbish mates

Give us the future
Give us the future
Give us the future with my rubbish mates.

With a son and a daughter now born to him, his job is all but done,
It’s us that need him more and more, to point out our cardinal sins,
And when we play like we know we can, we shall all then rest in peace,
For that is when our proud leader will be, crowned the Stroud league magical King.

Give us the future
Give us the future
Give us the future in division three

Thornbury D vs Whiteshill Vets C - Fruits in the Forest - 3rd Mar 2010

A late report due to the fact that I am do not have email this week. All the opponents were making their way individually to Thornbury. A slight problem on the M5 resulted in Whiteshill Vets new boy, Rupert not turning up until 8:15pm, he was getting close to being counted out. However, that is not The Rubbish way, we will play them morning, noon or night, winning or losing is not important it is the taking part. Well thats the bullshit over and done with. Whiteshill Vets are not top of the table for nothing, with Tracy out it was Mark who stepped in for the challenge of keeping The Rubbish afloat, alas we are close to drowning as both G and Mark could not win a point between them. G's matches went ok and he could have taken Chris to 5, had he not lost the fourth game 14 -16. Grampy rediscovered some form to take a brace of wins beating Chris in 4 and Rupert in 5 in the match of the night as he put togther some cracking shot combinations of windy miller smashes followed by improvised blocks which had the desired effect. Brian took Grampy apart in 3 as he proved his pedigree leaving The Rubbish 2-7 down with the doubles to play. Grampy and G took on Brian and Chris and with some dazzling footwork took a hard fought match as G played out of his skin again confounding the opponents with a handful of backhand lashes. So with the final result a 3-7 loss we made our way to the Barrel, all of the Whiteshill boys coming too but their navigational expertise is not quite in the same league as their table tennis and a few laps of the Thornbury countryside were completed before Rupert and finally Brian could enjoy their drinks. The run in this season in looking difficult and avoiding relegation is going to need a backhander of another sort to somebody high up in the Stroud league comittee.

Thornbury D -3, Whiteshill Vets C - 7

Forest Green C vs Thornbury D - Fruits in the Forest - 24th Feb 2010

Shortly after our glorious Captain and Tracy arrived the Captains mobile phone rang, "Oh this will be Fabio Capello wanting to know if I am available" he said confidently, it turns out it was Wendy from Randwick B trying to organise the rematch of the postponed game in January. Well with the Captains backhand firing like a sperm whale with only one testicle it was left to his less trusty team mates to provide the entertainment as we clashed with Forest Green C. When they came to our place Captain lost to their no.1 in 5, he lost in 4 this time as he never really seemed to get a grip of John’s serve and all his backhands went for six off the wall or ceiling. G didn’t fair much better against Tony whose game looks very ordinary and beatable but beneath the exterior there is considerable adaptability. Tony got the first game but G managed to level before Tony run away with games 3 and 4. Tracy started her campaign by battering Ian Yemm off the table in game one before he woke up and realised that putting balls on Tracy’s forehand is tantamount to suicide. He worked his way into the game and won 3-1. Next came match of the season so far as G took on John and matched him ball for ball as he took game one 12-10 making a comment to the Captain as he prepared for the second game “can I do something you can’t” well he strolled into a 2-0 lead with a 13-11 win in the 2nd and as he made his way to the other end of the table for game 3 he picked Captain’s and Tracy’s jaws off the floor. That was as good as it got as G forgot the score and when John levelled at 2-2 he was ready to offer the handshake in defeat before he realised it was only 2-2 but by that time the mental energy had run out and John cruised to an easy win in 5, there was even some genuine quality backhands to show the Captain just how to play the game. The match has to be close to, if not at the top of G’s all time best performance. Next it was Grampy against Ian and with Ian returning his serves with apparent contemptuous ease the Captain huffed and puffed but could not blow Ian’s house down as he fell in 4. Tracy was pitched against Tony in the next match and I have to say that there are not many people who can play Tracy at her own game and live to tell the tale. The match had some superfast pin ball rallies but Tony came out the victor to leave The Rubbish pointless. G played Ian next and got hammered 3-0 in a mediocre showing, that was followed by Tracy against John, John taking a fairly comfortable win leaving Grampy vs Tony and our only hope of a point. Grampy took first blood only to be pegged back to 1-1, before he dug deep to salvage the only point from the singles in a extraordinary night. Ian had gone home to bed leaving Tony and John to face Grampy and G after the third bat spin. It was looking good in game one as The Rubbish cruised it but then the propeller came off and it was all down hill from there as they lost 3-1. It was down hill to the Britannia in search of some more entertainment as we met up with Tony and John again, but the spectacular views were not to be seen so we settled for a summary of the roller coaster rides of Florida as seen upside down by Tracy and the Mentor. The conversation meandered on to comedy of which it seems Grampy and certainly John are connoisseurs and they gave us many examples of recent and not so recent but equally as funny comedy sketches. So it was time to make our way home and with the smarties running out G rolled the car onto the drive at 11:54pm and as he stood trying to get the 5ft to the tailgate to get his kit bag out 3 weeks later he was there and as he lifted it up heard some voices approaching. It was 3 hoodies strolling down the road, there was no way G could make the 6ft to his front door before the hoodies had covered the 50 yards so he kept his cool just like Delboy had done at the bar that famous night in Peckham with his mate Trigger when the barman lifted the bar. Luckily they walked on by and G did not fall flat on his face on the way to the front door, and made it safely upstairs to bed.

Forest Green - 9, Thornbury D - 1

G's breakfast while compiling the report, Porridge with a few american hard gums to add a bit of flavour

Randwick C vs Thornbury D - Slip sliding away - 17th Feb 2010

With the snowdrops firmly established the signs of spring are here at last after a long hard winter. The winter taking its toll in all sorts of areas and with three members of Team Rubbish all away on holiday only Grampy and G were available for the bottom of the table grudge match. The Captain said that with just the two playing he was not expecting a maximum 7-3 victory, a 6-4 would do him. Grampy started the evenings events against the Randwick heavyweight Jim Hurford and as sure as eggs is eggs it went all the way to 5 with Jim taking a relatively easy 5th game. So the batton had been dropped at the first hurdle, that was nothing as G’s movement mimicking that of a flid in a spaz chariot with a flat battery meant he got plenty of practice as ball boy, maybe a job at next years Wimbledon may result. He is definitely going to need something else to fill his time next season. G was thrashed off the table by John and Ralph. Ironically G’s best result was against Jim, Randwick’s best player who he pinched a game off. Grampy put some points on the board against John and Ralph but the doubles went to Randwick 3-0 although it did contain shot of the night, a blind, over the shoulder backhand from G that nobody saw, including G, before it bounced and hit John in the chest. So the 6-4 had somehow turned into a 2-8 another beating for the Rubbish. The briefest of journeys to the local pub which still has one resident boxer dog saw the Thornbury duo joined by Jim and Ralph where the conversation was predominantly about musical taste as they watched the replay of Arsenal giving the softest of goals to Porto because they were dreaming and not playing to the whistle. Jim told us of his companies involvement in the development of the ultimate musical instrument that be found at www.eigenlabs.com over its 8 year development cycle. I think I’ll stick with my didgeridoo for now. Take it away 2, 3, 4…..

Randwick C – 8, Thornbury D – 2

Snowdrops the first sign of spring

Thornbury D vs The Pessimists - Positive thinking is the lesson, from the Pessimists ? - 10th Feb 2010

Mid afternoon and my mobile rang, the Captain on the other end in all sorts of trouble due to the consumption of a chicken pie the previous evening. So it was to be a rudderless ship taking on the mighty Pessimists and young Joe agreed to stand in for the Captain. The same old 3 turned up for the Pessimists Barry, Rich and Dave and without much ado we got down to it, G taking on the Captain Barry whilst Tracy battled Rich, G playing well and coming close to pinching a game but the same old 3-0 result was the final score. Tracy was pushing Rich hard and it was only after his admission of reading these reports that prompted him to change his style when under pressure ensuring the victory. Joe was then up against Dave and took him apart winning 3-0. G then played Rich and might aswell have went and made the Tea only managing a handful of points in a shocking performance. Meanwhile Joe was taking a game off Barry in a great effort, he managed the same against Rich better than both his team mates. Both Tracy and G beat Dave in 5 to gain some respectability in the score. The doubles saw Barry and Rich take on G and Tracy and blow them out of the water with a devastating display and ending up 7-3 winners on the night. So another defeat for the Rubbish was followed by Pepperoni and Chicken Pizza’s for all at the Barrel, where the Pessimists worked out that Tracy has the problem of not believing that she is good enough to beat most of her opposition, something we have been telling her for years, to win first you have to believe you can win. Finally the conversation got round to dogs and among those owned around the table, an 18 yr old border collie who tends to wake the household if left alone at night, 18 has got o be close to a record, a 10 yr old Belgian shepherd with 3 and a half legs, a very lively 2 yr old boxer who has taken to chasing motorbikes and a pair of 11 yr old Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, (a Blenheim and a Tri-colour) one absolutely as mad as the day he was born, the other twice as mischievious. Luckily the Captain was not present nor was his shotgun, but without him the climb to stay in div 3 gets whole lot steeper.

Final score Thornbury D, 3 - Pessimists, 7

Cam A vs Thornbury D - Another pasting - 2nd Feb 2010

Well............ the Premiership transfer window has come and gone and I am still with Team Rubbish, the Captain had made rumbles and I fully expected to be put out on loan to Queen of the South or Kilmarnock but it was not to be. The Captain couldn’t afford the back handers. So as the season heads into the finishing straight it was team bonding that was required to pull off the great escape and remain in div 3 for next season. The teams in div 3 don’t come much tougher than Cam A, we lost 10-0 on the opening day of the season so we had no illusions about the enormity of the task before us and with the Team Diamond unable to take part it was time for one of the new crop of Thornbury talent, Mark to take centre stage. Mark started off proceedings as he needed to get away sharpish so we played out of sequence, the Cam A boys in no mood to take prisoners as they ruthlessly put him to the sword as he struggled to get the lightening forehand firing on all cylinders. A few words of advice forthcoming from the Cam boys as they could see his future potential. G faired a little better in his matches, a complete thrashing from Harry, Bob not being far behind taking a comfortable win but the game against Neil was a different story, a touch of complacency may have set in perhaps as Neil watched his two learned colleagues destroy G. G took the first game 11-4 which was a big wake up call and wake up is exactly what Neil did, taking the next two 11-3 and 11-4, the fourth game being much tighter and only just went to Neil 11-8. So it was left to our trusty Captain to get the first point on the board as he beat Bob in 4 and give away a 5 setter against Neil, Harry being in no mood to mess about beating the Captain in 3 straight. The doubles saw G and Captain take on Harry and Bob in a classic match, Cam taking the lead only for the Thornbury duo to turn on the fancy footwork and get 2-1 in front, G pulling off a couple of outrageous backhand lashes that the Cam boys could only smile about in disbelief as they retrieved the ball. A close fourth game went to Cam so it went to a decider where G danced like a butterfly and Grampy stung like a bee as they outclassed the Cam boys to win 11-3 and with it take another valuable point. A substantial loss maybe at 8-2 but the Teams form is back on track for the run in. We took a leisurely stroll to the Yew tree pub where G rolled past the entrance, Grampy could not believe anyone could fall asleep at the wheel in 250 yards. Once inside the barmaid could not help over hearing our assessment of the evenings events and joined in as we put the world to rights thinking about the old days when Norman Hunter used to “bite yer legs” and diving was exclusively a swimming pool activity. Sadly Sky TV has changed all that, never mind the Dancing on Ice it is the Diving on grass that makes all the headlines these days.

Final score Cam A, 8 - Thornbury D, 2

Thornbury D vs Sheepscombe - 3 of us, 2 of them...it's Pimms O'clock - 20th Jan 2010

With the snow melted and the new year truly in full swing the Team Rubbish Bus hit the road again, no not literally even though it was carrying 15 stone 7 lbs of maltesers and red wine, namely our Captain, 13 stone 7 lbs of raw fighting muscle, The Team Mentor, 10 stone of Tesco finest mince pies, Tracy and 10 stone of waitrose white chocolate ice cream, G. Luckily the bus did not have to go far as it was a home game so there is time to shed a few ounces to ease the strain on the back axle before we really take the road again. Sheepscombe arrived with only 2 players so with the Rubbish immediately 3 points to the good as they set about increasing that total. Sadly the maltesers had metamorphosed into blubber which meant that the Captain’s flashing blade looked more like a walrus flapping its fins for a sardine. His opponent Dave Shill took full advantage and duly despatched the Captain in 4 to get Sheepscombe's first point. G was up next to face Hugh and promptly and uncharacteristically thrashed Hugh off the table in 3 straight in an amazing display that very nearly kept the Captain awake. Tracy was on the table facing Dave next and at 2-0 down It was looking a bit dodgy but as she had done the away match at the same point she started to hit Dave off the table, but sadly this time Dave was ready and managed to contain the onslaught. Captain managed to beat Hugh, G’s form did not last as he was soundly beaten by Dave, Tracy’s hard hitting game was too much for Hugh in the last of the singles. The bat spin paired Captain with G in the doubles and after racing to a 2-0 lead in no time at all it all went pear shaped as Sheepscombe levelled, but the Thornbury duo came good in the 5th making sure of that precious doubles point. So it was off to the barrel for a swift departing drink where we learnt that our Julz is a bit of a demon at “Beat the Intro” and that you should not be confused if you see a Pakistani wearing a Santa outfit.

Malteser anyone ? or maybe even a cake you'll have to fight the Captain for them, or maybe swap some for a glass of Red wine a full one mind..... no half measures.

Final score Thornbury D, 7 – Sheepscombe, 3

Yate vs Thornbury D - A dance too far for the Wizard - 22nd Dec 2009 - Albert Mann

With Tracy not able to come out to play it was left to The Captain, G and young Joe, one of Thornbury’s secret weapons to try and defeat the current holders of the Albert Mann Cup. G was last to roll up outside the venue which was very icy and was hastily frog marched to the front door by his Captain, G reminding his Captain that he would rather not look like a couple of love struck Gays and that the front door was well within his reach, even in the icy conditions. If ever there was a match which demonstrated that every point must be fought for with the savagery of a pitbull in a dog fight this was it. Grampy kicked off against Andy Cox and at first struggled with the quite severe chop on Andy’s serves but gradually over the 4 games the points started to tot up and The Rubbish were to a good start, G of course give the advantage straight back to Yate against a very difficult opponent, Will who has great mobility and disguise and some tricky serves, managing only a handful of points. Joe took to the occasion like a duck to water, an undoubted heavy weight of the future he plays with great style and technique and with a few quiet words in his ear from the team Mentor, Maggot he had the Yate no. 3, Keith, on the back foot at times as he racked up the points. It remained a tight contest as Grampy took a decent haul of points from Keith aswell, G managed another handful from Andy Cox, Joe put in superb impressive performances against Will and Andy to keep Thornbury in with a shout as he put a number of shots clean past the division one boys. G’s last game was against Keith, where he managed to get one game to 10-10 his best show of the night. Mid way through the Yate Captain started to apologise for G’s nets apparently unsatisfied with his conduct at the table, so G made bloody sure he didn’t show any signs of an apology after that, well there’s no point in having a dog and barking yourself is there!!. The last match of the night was Will vs Grampy, a quick tot up of the score showed that Grampy had to get 15 points over the four games, his fellowwizardette’s had surely put it on a plate for the Thornbury Wizard. However Will had other ideas as he traded blows with the Thornbury Captain until the opportunities came for him to get the wildest of forehand topspin unleashed which Grampy struggled to deal with. The points slowly added up but at the end of the 4^th game the Wizard was just 2 points short of what would have been one of our finest hours. So it is back to concentrating on staying in division 3 another mountain for Thornbury D to climb.

Yate win by a mere 2 points

Remember Kiora and it's slogan, if not check the T shirt.

Whiteshill Vets D vs Thornbury D - Another hiccup for the Rubbish - 14th Dec 2009

The cold icy waters of Stroud league division 3 got nearly as cold as the temperature inside Ruscombe village hall last night with a good fart generating more heat than the heating system. The tide started to come in last night without any sign of a coast guard Sea King helicopter The Rubbish look set to drown with not even the Captain, useless git, being able to match the hatricks of his subordinates G and Tracy as he only managed 2 out of 3, the fact that his were of course wins and G’s and Tracys were of course losses is of no significance. As is customary it started off bad and got even worse, as Captain lost his opening encounter against Brian after 4 close games but managed to beat both Alan and Chris, also in 4 as he put the only two points on the board for the Rubbish. G’s game is degenerating faster than his brain cells and ending up a hopeless collection of frustrated lashes and asWhiteshill insisted on playing with an orange ball when the table is surrounded with orange chairs and G having the eyesight of Morocco mole didn’t help. Tracy on the other hand while still not quite into winning ways is managing to batter the opposition off the table at times and took games of both Alan and Brian and lost a close encounter with Chris. The doubles was probably the worst ever as G and Tracy managed only 7 points in 3 games against Alan and Chris. The Christmas break cannot come soon enough, just the little matter of Yate, the current holders, in the next round of the Albert Mann next Tuesday before The Rubbish can recharge much depleted batteries. It is only a short roll down the hill to the pub where we were joined by Alan and Brian where the main activity was eyeing up the food from the ladies outing that was going on and in the end we got half, the miserable buggers keeping the prawn vol au events to themselves. Tracy txted the Mentor asking him to get the bed warmed up which made Grampy smile as he thought he might get an invite, little does he know the bed warmer is a two year old boxer called Charlie. We did learn an interesting trick to play on your Mrs in bed though, if you arrive home drunk and settle down back to back in the bed with her after first covering your hand in saliva, just wait for the first wet fart to emerge and gently touch her a**e with your moist hand and she will get out of bed faster than if you had wiped your dick on the curtains after a good s**g.

Whiteshill Vets D - 8, Thornbury D - 2

Thornbury D vs Forest Green C - What a load of Rubbish - 9th Dec 2009

It is becoming increasingly difficult to find words of inspiration when personally I am playing like a brainless 3 legged muppet and consequently not enjoying the game at present, not because I am not winning, it was always going to be tricky at times a division up, but because I am just not fulfilling even the low level of potential I possess. Tracy is also struggling but at least is making significant efforts to adapt her game to make it a little more multi faceted and at times that has worked well. Grampy on the other hand is revelling in the fights he has entertained us with just like a pig in sh*t and is holding his own. Forest Green C were the opponents last night, a team we have traditionally done fairly well against but as we all know times change. They turned up with a new face, John as well as Ian and Tony. Grampy made short work of Ian on the first table whilst G played Tony on the second table, a match which historically goes to 5, but not this time, G fell asleep at the table and when he woke up it was all over, stuffed 3-0. Next Tracy played John the new boy who looked to have good technique and put it to good use as he left Tracy defeated. Grampy on the other hand was demolishing Tony. G then played John and started well taking the first game but it was all down hill after that, and although G never felt out of his depth just could not match the venom in John’s game, his forehand in particular is vicious. I did not see Tracy’s games against Tony or Ian but by all accounts it was as similar story, never uncomfortable but just not quite the match of the opponent. G’s game against Ian saw him win the coin toss but jack sh*t else as another 3—0 defeat was chalked up. So the evening progressed quite quickly and by the tea break Thornbury were 6-2 down with the game between Grampy and John the only singles left. With the rest of us seated ready for the best match of the night we were not disappointed. It went to the wire with John’s serving for once confounding the wizard as he refused to mullah the short top spin serves with his all conquering backhand, which was he undoing as he for once gave a victory away, 11-9 in the fifth, useless b**t**d. And so to the doubles where Captain and G faced Tony and John. The first topspin serve John delivered to G he mullahed the f**ker back through the middle of them, he never received another, take note Captain it was the only thing I did right all night, but it was not enough as the Forest Green pair took the win and with it 8 precious points. Our humble victors stood us a pint at the Barrel afterwards where we learned that if you haven’t got 50 goldfish your’e a w**ker, a well trained German Shepherd Protection dog can cost you up to £20k, and G is in the Guinness book of records, but for the life of me I can’t remember what for…………I’ll av you Grampy!!!!!! Meatloaf once sung about "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer than They Are", well let me tell you Grampy “Objects up your a**e may feel bigger than they are”.

PS. Grampy does your all singing all dancing digital SLR have a mega zoom lens, it might be just what I need.

Thornbury D - 2, Forest Green C – 8

This is Bailey a lovely German Shepherd protection dog who has just been sold for a cool £7500 + VAT

Thornbury D vs Randwick C - From Zero's to Hero's....well almost - 2nd Dec 2009

After a couple of weeks playing a game not fit for the gutter ( G ) The Rubbish collectively showed a few sparks of what might stop them getting relegated last night, Captain as always led the way trashing all that stood before him, including a subdued and disinterested Jim Hurford who beat Grampy on all three occasions last season in some mighty battles. G started the evening well taking out the hard hitting Richard White after losing the first game 13-11 after coming back from 7-0 down. He also went on to beat Jim, a first as Jim was definitely elsewhere mentally. He slipped up against Ralph losing 3 straight as Ralph breezed past him. Tracy’s season got off the mark too, beating Richard White in four and narrowly missing out against Ralph who Tracy pinched a game off aswell. Jim had woken up a little by this time and took the match 3-0 against Tracy. Those of you that have been around in the Stroud league for a while will know that Richard’s son Sam is not a bad player of the 2.7g ball, currently at University where instead of throwing up in the airing cupboard each night after 10 pints he is practising his table tennis against some serious opposition from the far east, namely Hong Kong. He is doing a six year Masters so division one can rest for a while yet before he starts to blow them away if he settles back in Stroud. Captain and Tracy won the bat spin and in a hurry to celebrate the victory annihilated the Randwick pair of Ralph and Richard. And so to an almost empty Barrel where the Rubbish teamed up with Tony Clarkson for a swift pint and a pizza whilst going through the 100 questions on the quiz sheet that Ralph sold them, Grampy demonstrating that aswell as being well hung he is also well read. When the pizza arrived the usual fight ensued as to who was not going to eat the last slice of chicken pizza, Grampy and Tracy eventually going halves. We may have discovered a new way of getting your little ones to sleep through the night aswell, just buy them a bobble hat one size too big and let it gently slip down over their eyes and they will think it’s time for bed when it all goes dark. G was under strict instructions to empty a particular part of his anatomy in celebration but after trying out the rough texture paint from B&Q on one of the bedroom ceilings after getting home missed the midnight freeview.

Thornbury D - 7, Randwick C - 3

Nailsworth B vs Thornbury D - Albert Mann - Thank goodness for Tracy Dibble - 25th Nov 2009

Captain Grampy arrived ahead of both his team mates as we all arrived via our own transport, this unusual event putting the fear of God into the Captain because he thought he had arrived at the wrong venue. He was soon put at ease by G’s arrival, and then Tracy the Rubbish star of the moment, thank goodness for Tracy Dibble, she smashed Nailsworth off the table along with Captain Grampy to pinch the cup match by a mere 10 points as G stuttered and misfired like Austin Allegro on two cylinders. If G plays like this much more it can only mean suicide or retirement, well he has two dogs themselves in retirement at 11 years old so it may just need the pipe and slippers. Nailsworth started with a 36 point advantage which was slashed by 21 points by Captain against Nick who was struggling against the Thornbury wizards spin. G was up against Dave next and in a display not even fit for the gutter G managed to get back from 2-0 down to 2-2 but lost the match by 2 points. Tracy then took on Mike who can be a tricky old player as he has many years of experience but the venom with which Tracy now hits the ball is second to none and she took two games off Mike and won the encounter by 3 points. G’s performance against Nick was the worst of the night giving Nailsworth back 12 points in another garbage effort, somehow G prompted Nick to spit his chewing gum onto the table during a point, in his effort to stretch the Nailsworth number 1. Grampy then played Mike and unusually Grampy dropped two games but still pinched the match by 4 points. Then came the match of the night Tracy vs Dave, Dave likes to play a hard hitting game but it took him 3 games to realise that Tracy just plays it better as she absolutely mullahed him in the first 3 games just slipping up in the 4^th losing 12-10 but clawed back a huge 21 points for the Rubbish. G mentally was half way home when he took to the table against Mike, someone he has never beaten but somehow the shocking spineless game he was displaying with not even enough puff in his shots to register on a breatherlyser seemed to make Mike struggle and G won 3 of the 4 games and with it 3 more points for the Rubbish. Tracy’s game against Nick was always going to be the hardest game for her with Nick having some tricky serves, she just had to keep it tight and put Grampy in a position to take the victory in the last match. It was looking touch and go for a while as Nick took all 4 games but Tracy managed to limit the damage to 12 points meaning Grampy had to beat Dave by 14 in the last match, and with a commanding display did it with 10 points to spare.

A brief roll down the hill to the Britannia where the conversation was about the tactics in the next round against Yate, a new opponent for the Rubbish.

Nailsworth B - 580, Thornbury D - 590

Pessimists vs Thornbury D - Another Gloucestershire tour....Oh yes - 24-Nov 2009

Strangely enough it was raining as the Thornbury crew arrived at the venue from their different directions, G being the last to arrive and having to take care not to get blown back to Stonehouse by the savage wind as he turned the corner around the outside of the hall on his way in. Tracy was off on some Nextracurricula activities so we drafted in young Mark and decided to let him play first so he could get home early. Barry the Pessimists Captain and a nice sort of guy was giving Mark the odd inch but soon realised that Mark was taking miles in return and had to sharpen his game to ensure a victory. Marks game against Rich was better as Mark smashed his way through the defences of Rich to take the first game, forcing Rich to up his game after that scare to win 3-1. It was G’s turn next playing Dave, G is playing a spineless game at the moment and it continued as he refused to put away numerous chances in the game. G got more nets and edges than he has had all season which was aggravating Daves Tourettes Syndrome, C***, even when Dave got two consecutive nets G simply returned them both getting the net on the return to win the point. G did play a few unbelievable shots which prompted a comment from his opponent to the effect that he was on drugs, which had the place in uproar for a while. However, Dave had the last laugh as he won a tight match 11-9 in the 5^th. Grampy’s forehand hand was suffering in all the wind and could not get anywhere near Barry, losing 3-0, but beat Dave with the help of the odd net and in the best match of the night against Rich give it away with his impatience in the 5^th losing 11-9. Mark’s match against Dave went to 5 as well, this time Thornbury taking the win as Mark chalked up another scalp. G lost 3-0 to both Rich and Barry in a poor nights display. The doubles saw Barry and Rich take an early 2-0 lead over Grampy and G before Thornbury woke up and levelled but could not keep the momentum going as the Pessimists run out easy winners in the 5^th winning 8-2 overall. The pub is all of 100 yards away so it was not long before we were at the bar where we were joined by our victorious hosts who had unexpectedly laid on Curry and chips which seemed to go down well. In amongst the conversation the topic of players who you do not get on with cropped up, G’s name at the top of the list along with a few others that can’t got to print as we don’t have a libel specialist in the team. As the last orders bell rang we shook hands one more time before returning to our cars where unsurprisingly it was still raining. G setup his satnav but the bitch that gives the directions on his Nokia satnav randomly starts shouting which happened last night so he switched it off not sure if it is because he does not always go the way she says or there is a short circuit or if her knickers are a bit tight. but thereafter a combination of dodgy windscreen wipers, old glasses and the eyesight of Morocco Mole meant G missed a turn or two somewhere and took an extended tour of the saturated Gloucestershire hills, eventually ending up on the A38 just outside Thornbury, the thought of calling in on Tracy and Ian quickly passed as it was half past one by this time so he made his way to the M5 where he not be a*sed to slow down for the 50 mph Specs cameras between junction 13 and 12, so some new points may be in the post this morning, the only points he is capable of getting this season.

Pessimists - 8, Thornbury D – 2

Specs cameras may have done for G on the longggg way home

Thornbury D vs Cam A - I thought King Harry died a long long time ago - 18th Nov 2009

In the history lessons I had at school they said King Harry died in the battle of Hastings in 1066 when the Normans invaded. Well let me tell you they got it wrong King Harry is alive and well and playing for Cam A. He kicked the a*s*s of G and Tracy with no trouble at all, it took the Wizard of Thornbury, the Thornbury Captain to halt the young pretenders progress but give it a season or two and the Captain too may be dancing on the back foot. 12 year old Harry is surely destined for a bright future in the game with his venomous portfolio of shots. The Cam A team have strength in depth and we saw the return of one of our favourite competitors, Steve Partridge who also swept G and Tracy aside and even went one further as he edged a 5 setter with the Wizard winning 14-12 in the 5^th. G managed to take a game of Bob Wild, the third Cam team member but that was as much as he could manage, Bob also beat Tracy, but the Wizard pulled it off again as he came back from 2-0 down against Bob to take the victory 3-2. Tracy partnered the Captain in the doubles on their way to a resounding 3-0 defeat making it an 8-2 loss on the night, better than the 10-0 we suffered away but still along long way off the standard needed to survive. It was the usual trip to the barrel afterwards where G had a minor adverse reaction to the prawn and pasta salad he had eaten in preparation for the big game, which meant an inordinately long pitstop on the toilet in the barrel leaving a pile below the water line worthy of sinking the Titanic, which had all his team mates enquiring as to his well being when the Pizzas hit the table, it will chicken and chips as usual next time. On the way home G could feel another dose of pasta belly approaching as he neared home which was aggravated somewhat by a muppet parking their car on its roof at the quedgely traffic lights resulting in a closed road which meant the satnav had to come into its own as G was also running on fresh air in the fuel tank and even if he saw a petrol station would not be able to stand up long enough to fill the tank without another accident. Luckily he made it home to his own toilet seat.

Thornbury D – 2, Cam A - 8

Sheepscombe vs Thornbury D - Move over Captain - 3rd Nov 2009

After arriving slightly late at the venue probably because a little lady was enjoying her bath time too much Thornbury’s finest set about the task of getting a result against the strongest possible Sheepscombe trio. G’s smarties were low after the adrenaline rush of getting the late and he got hammered in all his matches, the only thing he won was the toss on each occasion. Grampy kindly reminding him that in one game against Dave Shill when he was 7-2 down that he was the one with the 2 points. Anyway the transfer window opens in January so I think he is hoping to delve into the transfer market, I think we have got 2 shillings and sixpence left in the kitty. On the table Grampy did the business against Nigel and Ros the pair really struggling against the wizard of Thornbury’s sidespin. He tripped up against Dave Shill but managed to pinch a game. A couple of other Sheepscombe players popped in to say hello, Old timer Martin and Hugh. Grampy has never had much of a soft spot for the Old timer but the way he flung his bat at him when he was scoring whilst trying to put just a little bit too much sidespin on one of his serves was outrageous, he missed by a country mile and Martin didn’t even flinch. Watching Tracy sometimes is like watching the film Born Free where Joy Adamson is desperately trying get the oh so tame lioness to kill and fend for herself, there is a scene where Elsa the lioness chases a warthog and catches it but then lets it go only for the warthog to run at it several times head butting the lioness. Well Tracy had the Sheepscombe top man Dave Shill, not a warthog but more like a two tonne Buffalo by the throat last night after recovering from 2-0 down she beat him off the table in the next two games but the teeth were just not quite sharp enough to suffocate the wily Sheepscombe fox as he tried all the tricks in his extensive repertoire to scramble free to pinch the 5^th game in what was by far the best performance Tracy has ever delivered. Maggot you got to be proud this morning it was like nothing else we have seen, the hard work over the table is paying off it just needs an ounce more self belief. I want a family bag of Revels too before the next away game. Nigel and Ros edged their way past Tracy leaving Thornbury 7-2 down with the doubles to play. G’s stability had recovered somewhat watching his team mates in their last match each and so took part in the bat spin and partnered his Captain against Nigel and Ros. G won the toss for the 4^th time and Grampy opened the serving all to no avail as they lost game one, G nearly losing his head as he failed to get out of the way of aGrampy forehand. The Thornbury pair had to level twice to take it to a fifth where a creditable display saw them take the match to salvage the extra point. And so it was off up the hill for the short sprint to the local pub where we learnt that Tracy’s eldest son is doing just fine in his new apprenticeship in electrical fitting which prompted us to discuss our own exploits with electricity. Grampy won hands down with his grappling of an HT lead with is bare hands, G came a close second by blowing up a charging car battery which he forgot was there with the stray sparks of an angle grinder, it went up like the Hindenburg. It was a rough route home with some pot holes the size of Wales which meant that when G got up this morning a front tyre had lost a third of its’ pressure meaning 10 mins checking and pumping up all his tyres as the two wheels dumped in his front garden were not quite the right size to fit the Audi.

Tracy Dibble “in what was by far the best performance Tracy has ever delivered”

Sheepscombe – 7, Thornbury D – 3

Thornbury D vs Randwick B - From Hero to Sub Zero - 28th Oct 2009

After last weeks superb fighting display it was back down to earth with a resounding BUMP this week. Well at least on G’s part the title is true, playing like the gay fairy that is about to have a Christmas tree shoved up his a**e he failed to score a point against a Randwick B team that have good solid all round games but are nothing special, the pick of their shots without doubt being Declans’ forehand. G took games off all three opponents but just the one in each case in a poor overall performance. It was left to Sue and Grampy to salvage some points which Sue managed as she beat Joe in 3 straight but not fairing so well against Will and Declan. Grampy started off against Will like a Polar Bear just waking from a long Alaskan winter as he went 2-0 down before summoning the motivation to try and get a victory, he pulled one back and was 7-2 up in the 4th and somehow managed to lose it in a manner which is usually reserved for G, useless g*t. He made up for it by beating Joe with ease and easing past Declan who got frustrated at not being able to return his serve. A swift total up as Tracy arrived after another long hard session over the table with Maggot the Mentor confirmed we were 6-3 down and as G took the bat spin it was clear that the doubles was heading for disaster. There was a glimmer of hope somewhere in the middle, in amongst Grampys extensive yawning on the scoring table, as they took the 3rd game but that was as far as it got. Luckily the victorious Randwick B team are too young to drink so we had the 3 pizza’s courtesy of the Mentor to ourselves, I think he is reckoning on a long hard Alaskan winter aswell. It remains to be seen if we freeze to death or if we emerge in the spring with some fresh green leaves and signs of life.

G's game up in smoke just like his garden The result

A deflated bouncy castle in G's garden just like his game against Randwick B

Thornbury D – 3, Randwick B – 7

Frampton B vs Thornbury D - We can all be heroes... on our own day - 22nd Oct 2009

In a small village hall in the depths of the Gloucestershire countryside a battle of gladiatorial proportions took place last night which saw Team Rubbish rack up their first victory of a tough season. It all started with Grampy taking on Len Agg, an old timer with 21 years league experience and he set the precedent as he fought from 2-0 down to a famously hard fought win after being hopelessly down in game 5 aswell. Frampton B were a man short so they borrowed a new recruit from the C team, the hard hitting bare foot kid from West Bengal in the Indian sub-continent, Anant Saraogi who played for bothe Frampton teams on the night. He likes to play his table tennis like his countrymen play 20/20 cricket, a six off every ball. In his first match against G, G was playing more of a test match and it did indeed go all the way to 5 games before Anant served a no ball off the end of the table giving G the win. Tracy’s match against Dave saw some fantastically fast reaction play as that match too went all the way to 5 this time the Frampton man just edging it in the 5th. It was G’s turn to take on the might of Len Agg next and to his surprise took the first game but could not keep it going long enough to stop Len clawing his way back to take the match 3-1. Grampy made short work of Dave winning in 3, but let a game go against new boy Anant. Tracy had great games against both Anant and Len narrowly being beaten whilst displaying some great table tennis. The bat spin saw Grampy and G take on the two Frampton old boys and after losing the first game got it together and fought back to take a hard and well earned win and with it victory on the night. This was by far the greatest display of table tennis the Rubbish has ever displayed, the venom of of Grampy’s backhand continually had the Frampton team on the back foot, and one of his forehands almost hit the table, while G was confounding them with a combination of his angles and backhand lashes and Tracy just hammered the s**t out of them as only she can. The team Mentor Mr Maggot would have surely been proud. It is just a quick sprint to the bell from the Frampton venue where after some synchronised parking we learnt that Grampy’s workmate plays a lot a skittles in the heart of the Bristol red light district. We have yet to learn if he ever gets a strike. Meanwhile the next tour may be to Prague, or maybe Amsterdam where we understand the window shopping is quite good. All in all a famous day for The Rubbish.

Some of the afters on offer in Amsterdam

Frampton B – 4, Thornbury D – 6

Thornbury D vs Whiteshill Vets C - Or should that be Whiteshill Nets ! - 14th Oct 2009

Thornbury's own Great White could not escape

We thought it would be a tough encounter, Whiteshill having strength in depth throughout their teams. What we hadn’t bargained for was that their El Capitan had some Spanish connections in that he caught more net than the entire Spanish trawler fleet.

The nets proved too much for both our shimmering Mackerels of Tracy and Sue and the Great White Shark better known as Grampy as Senoir Lardner left them all washed up on the beach but not without a wrestle in the nets as Tracy and Sue both took games off El Lardner. Whiteshill have a new hard hitting recruit by the name of Ahmed who managed to filet both our ladies games with some fierce hard hitting stuff but Grampy managed to pinch a victory in 5 to gain Thornbury their sole point during the battering. Whitehills 3rd member, Brian managed a hatrick as his many years of experience showed. Sue won or lost the bat spin depending on which way you look at it and partnered G in the doubles to a resounding 3-0 defeat. Where was our Learned Mentor while his pupils were suffering I hear you ask….. well he did manage to get back from the 19th hole on the golf course in time, albeit with a slight waver in his steps but his words of encouragement were drowned out by the Whiteshill onslaught. Our victors saw fit to join us for a pint and a pizza or three in the Barrel afterwards where we learned that Brian is the man to get in touch with when the next tour date needs to be set as he has toured Jersey with his RAF team and has connections with the Isle of Man, Not sure the Rubbish would fancy the parachute drop from a RAF Hercules although some of the Rubbish would definitely bounce better than others. Also that Kim’s youngster is fast becoming the new Noel Edmonds as he gets to grips with Thornbury FM’s studio of mixers and decks and he gives the club a plug “on air” when he can. Top Banana.

Thornbury D - 1, Whiteshill Vets C - 9

Forest Green C vs Thornbury D - It's Trumpton all over again - 7th Oct 2009

At Forest Green there was Maggsy, Rachel, Grampy, Dibble and G. Thornbury’s answer to Windy Miller blew all his opponents away as he sailed to another 3-0 scoreline

An uncanny resemblance don't you think

but his two subordinates could only manage a point between them in the resulting turbulent air as a tough battle ensued on the ultra grippy Forest Green floor. It has to be said that we do take the micky just a little bit out of all conquering captain, his shoulders having developed to be broader the those of the Greek legend Atlas and seemingly without any help from freeview. Gramp's new serve seemed to be working well the one where he inadvertently hits the edge of the table his side so the ball bounces high but even more inadvertently hits the dge of his opponents side of the table leaving them muttering under their breath. It is just aswell Grampy stands head and shoulders above his team mates because the two long serving apprentices just cannot quite make the grade at present although there are some encouraging signs, I think. The matches are there for the taking, G came from 2-0 down in his first match against Ian only to lose 15-13 in the 5th, conversely he give away a 2-0 lead against Tony only to recover and pinch the 5th 11-9. There was encouragement and gesticulation from the touch line all to no avail as Mike proved a little more difficult taking the match 3-1. Tracy’s matches also show promise, her consistent ability to batter her opponents if they try to smash her off the table still remains the core of her game. A very entertaining game against Tony saw her take a game off him with just that sort of response. The best was most definitely saved until last, with G leaden footed he was relieved when he was black batted out of the doubles to see the new Dream team emerge as Grampy and Tracy took the doubles in the 3rd 5 setter of the evening not wasting half as many minutes as Man Utd get to score their equalisers to take the victory and with it a 5-5 draw overall. Poor old Mike Kings artificial knees required a few bolts tightening up after the pair had run the Forest Green duo of Mike and Ian ragged, Grampy getting shot of the night with a venomous cross court backhand lash close to the end of the encounter as his impatience for his pint grew. After the customary handshakes we rolled down the hill to the Britannia where a quiet pint was consumed, there was a humungous pair of puppies behind the bar but they seemingly went unnoticed as Grampy reinforced his Frisbee theory, it is obvious that his mis-spent youth was on the England’s sandy beaches. When G got home for the first night at his newly acquired repossession he had to spend a little time switching the electrics on and finding the water stop cock before he could settle down on the dusty floorboards for a nights kip resulting in a later than usual start on match report day.

The mighty shoulders of Atlas

Forest Green C - 5, Thornbury D – 5

Randwick C vs Thornbury D - Half way there - 30th Sep 2009

With the leaves starting to fall from their trees it was time for Team Rubbish to stand up and be counted like the stars in the clear autumn sky if they are going to have any chance of remaining in division 3. Randwick C has a few old adversaries of The Rubbish, namely Ralph in this case joined by John and Mark after a closed season reshuffle. First up it was the two heavyweight captains, well at least in our case anyway. Grampy soon asserted his authority for the Rubbish taking a comfortable 3-0 match, next up G took on Mark, the pair having a series of tight battles last season Mark winning 3-1, and 3-2 with G taking one match 3-2. No such drama this year with Mark having tightened his game and not giving much away which resulted in a 3-0 win for him. Sue then took on John and in a 5 setter John who seems to specialise in coming from behind, clawed his way back from 2-0 down to level but Sue held her nerve and took an easy 5th to put the Rubbish back in the lead. Next up was Ralph vs G and in probably the most surprising result of the night G took a 3-0 victory over Ralph with little fuss. This was followed by Grampy thrashing John. By this time Tracy had got on to filing the nails on her other hand. Sue then took on the challenge of Mark the current Stroud League division 4 champion and it started off well with her pinching the first but Mark tightened his game up again and managed to turn it around taking it 3-1, even after stuffing half of our Maltesers down his throat. John faced G next and in a match that was really there for the taking ,G faffed around being indecisive and threw it away losing 3-1. Ralph then took on Sue winning 3-1. The best was saved until last as Mark took on Grampy and in a tight match that could have gone either way Mark took first blood but Grampy levelled, then Mark took an easy third only to see Grampy equalise again and then pinch a tight 5th game to make it 5-4 to the Rubbish with only the doubles to play. By this time Tracy’s nails were as sharp as cats claws but her game along with G's did not quite have the same razor edge to it as they were soundly beaten 3-0 by Ralph and Mark. So with a draw not a bad result we wandered up the hill to the Belingo admiring our Captain’s knowledge of Astronomy and the sparkling stars in the nights sky. Sue spotted a particularly bright one not far from what was almost a full moon, and when asked Grampy replied that’s Jupiter, I nearly asked about Uranus but I knew that would put him off his well earned pint so I refrained. Ralph joined us at the pub, sadly no boxer dogs present, for a drink and conversation which led to Sue being introduced to the story about the young Spanish girl, her dog and tub of pate. Now Sue has a rather playful two year old male border collie, but we have not yet learned what his taste in pate is…..

Final score Randwick C – 5, Thornbury D – 5

Thornbury D vs The Pessimists - ZX10 Down, ZX10 Down - 23rd Sep 2009

With our all conquering captain having hit the big time of div 3 with a bump last week along with the rest of his Rubbish troops it was something you just could not make up when he told us all he had ruptured his side whilst sneezing this week. Well with Rugby bringing itself into disrepute with the Harlequin Bloodgate saga and Renault bringing Formula 1 into disrepute by ordering one of their drivers to crash deliberately and football continuously in disrepute I had to think fast to avoid Table Tennis falling foul, it crossed my mind to get him airlifted in but a quick calculation showed that a belly the size of his full of maltesers was just too much of a pay load for the Chinook helicopter I had in mind, so with the Muslim festival of Ramajam just finished one last prayer to the almighty was in order and it did the trick and was enough to see our Captain arrive on his pride and joy, the ZX10, even if it was as a support role for the doubles. Anyway G played the Pessimists last season whilst playing up and I guessed we might get a sniff at a point or two this week. With G taking the number one spot in place of Grampy it wasn’t looking good in match one vs Barry, who took it 3-0, Sue, the Rubbishes newest recruit was also being given a hiding by Rich on the second table. Tracy also lost her first match against Dave but is started to get a little better after that. In G’s second match he actually won the first game but then swapped his bat for a cricket bat which prompted the all too familiar collapse. Sue lost to Barry but destroyed Dave in 3 straight to get the first point on the scorecard this season, and although G took five he also got a win against Dave after an extra smartie in the tea break, sadly it also meant not getting a single minutes sleep all night, but at least it means more time to dream up the report. Tracy narrowly missing out in her other two matches. Now it was time for Grampy to take charge, G winning this weeks’ bat spin saw him partner Grampy and watching him play like the table was the size of an aircraft carrier with rather too many backhands ending up overboard resulting in a 3-1 loss. Anyway it was good to see the pessimists in the barrel for a swift beverage and to go over the finer points of two wheeled track days over a couple of piping hot pizzas. But the hot topic of the night was in the other home match where the B team, new to div one saw the man with 40-40 laser vision Jason take the Scalp of the current League division one champion Tony, something he will be able to dine out on for many a year. And yes Grampy I am going book myself in for some laser eyes I think too.

G hoping for some 40-40 laser eyes Not even a twin rotor Chinook would be big enough

Thornbury D – 2, Pessimists – 8

Cam A vs Thornbury D - Anyone for Cricket or Badminton, or Snooker anything but Tabletennis – 15th Sep 2009

Remember 1987 when Labour won the General Election after 18 years of Tory Government, their theme song was.... "Life..can only get better...

Well judging by last nights performance it is going to take a decade or two for Team Rubbish to settle into division 3. It was with high hopes that Thornbury's finest took to the Stroud league trail this year. The back door bandits gained promotion to div 3 because Thornbury only presented 4 teams this year. If we did not go in to Stinchcombe village hall via the back door we certainly came out that way, under cover of darkness and in our best sunglasses as we were battered more than the cod in a Harry Ramsden fish restaurant as the slightly more mature Cam A team took us apart and although we got a sniff or two at winning a game that was all it was. A resounding 10-0 defeat with not a game on the scorecard to The Rubbish was how it all ended up. Even with the wise words of the team Mentor ringing deafly in their ears nothing could stop the collapse usually reserved for the England 20-20 cricket team middle order. Team Captain, Grampy the man with Team Rubbish forever engraved through his heart like Blackpool is through a stick of rock took the unenviable task of being first to the gallows as he played like he had a couple of spark plug leads loose as backhand after backhand either buried themselves in the net or launched themselves off the end of the table. The tension was clear to see, Captain Colussus clearly not himself after a summer on the maltesers could not stop a very ordinary Bob from taking the first 3-0 scalp. Next G faced Neil and started off not too badly but never got to grips with the side swinging backhand that seems to be his speciality. 3rd up was Tracy facing the wicked left handed side spinner Harry who when he gets hold of a loose ball will have you running the length of a cricket pitch to get his side spinners back Tracy putting in a good consistent performance. G was next up against Bob and had two points to win the first game at 10-8 up but in time honoured fashion blew them both losing 12-10, but that's not the worst of it, game 3 saw at least another 2 maybe 3 points to win a game squandered as he lost the closest game of the night 16-14. Next Grampy still stuttering took on Harry who with his disguised down the line backhands got the better of him. Tracy faced the backhand of Neil next and was never really comfortable with the heavy spin. G's match against Harry saw some good rallies but Harry in the end barely broke into a sweat. Tracy started off slowly in her match against Bob but gradually relaxed and smashed a few past Bob but it was all too late. The closest match overall was saved until last as Captain Collusus fought like a trapped Grizzly as he tried in vain to head off a 9-0 singles scoreline as Neil just pipped him by 2 points in each of their three games. The bat spin took three attempts to decide on the doubles line up with Grampy eventually having G as a rear gunner playing Harry and Bob but with G firing blanks all night the Cam A boys took a comfortable 3-0 win to go along with the other 9. And so it was off to one of our regular watering holes where we were greeted by a white West Highland terrier at the door who reminded us just how expensive pets can be these days, what with Tracy's boxer on a special food you can only seemingly get in Harrods and my two Cavalier King Charles Spaniels running up nearly a monkey in vets bills over the last month and with poor Grace struggling to get used to a church bell dangling round her neck trying to discourage her from bringing home too much wildlife for her master. She has just got to learn that it is so much easier just to pop down to Tesco if you are feeling a little peckish.

Some very expensive Team Rubbish pets

Captain Grampy pondering on a new strategy

See you back in division 4 next season

Cam A - 10, Thornbury D - 0

G