Thornbury Table Tennis Club

Thornbury C vs Woodchester D - Our star in a not quite so reasonably priced car - 25th Jan 2012

As the second third of the season comes to a close, Thornbury hosted second in the table Woodchester D. Two new faces turned up that we had not encountered at their place so there was some unknowns to deal with. That of course did not distract our die hard Captain who for the 158th time for Team Rubbish carved his way to a hatrick, it’s a good job he does not get to keep the balls as I think he would need a barn to put them all in. Grampy did drop a couple of games on his way to victory but this takes nothing away from the relentless stream of victories our Captain manages to string together. Mike was a little under par having been ill recently and the sharp edge of his blade was a little dull as he struggled with the hard bat of old timer Chris and the pace of Rogers backhand, never the less a valuable point was gained as he beat Woodchester’s Mike to gain revenge for his defeat at their place. G drew the now all familiar blank in his efforts to gain his first point of the season, his use of angles was good but the heavy legs just unable to match any of the Woodchester trio. Len who had been scoring for us all night stepped up for the doubles where Team Rubbish found themselves in the now quite familiar position of needing to win to secure an overall draw. Mike won the bat spin at the second attempt and set about Chris and Roger and were narrowly pipped 16-14 in the first game, a collapse in the second game saw Woodchester win 11-2 and they managed again to win a tight game in the third 12-10 to take an overall 6-4 win. All the Woodchester boys agreed to a pint at the Anchor so off we set, the usual time being around 30 seconds on the road. Now Captain has traded in his old, but very user friendly Mighty Nissan Almera GLX for a very posh oil burning Audi A6, Audi having several wins at Le Mans in recent years, Lord only knows how as you can’t even start the bloody engine before you have the seat belt on, this is more serious than it sounds because it will stop him getting to the bar first. We waited and waited for him to arrive at the pub and it turned out he had lost his wallet in the 3 acre foot well that the Audi has, he should have chosen the extended lighting option. Meanwhile Tracy and Ian had pit stopped home and collected Big Charlie who looked a little bemused as he wandered around the pub checking us all out. He is a very well natured boxer who is quite a bruiser now at his peak at 4 years old, if any one fancies 3 rounds.

Only the day before Captain was praising the acceleration capabilities of his beloved Blingo, well there was no sign of it on the journey to Randwick as the trio of Captain, Len and Tracy arrived fashionably late meaning G had to take to the floor against Ralph. G had taken enough pills to raise Red Rum from his grave but it was not enough as the Jelly legs wobbled from pillar to post in an effort to contain Ralph, who had looked razor sharp in the warm ups, and indeed Ralph run out a 3-0 winner. Len played young Tom next, a face we have not seen for a year or three, and he hadn’t lost any of the touch, as he pushed Len to four in order for Len to take the win. Grampy set about Mark next and made relatively short work as he took the match in three, both players looking near the top of their form. This match is a clash of the bottom of division three and the Rubbish really needed a result, Len played Mark next and in a superb encounter had to do it in style and come from behind twice to get on terms and force the decider but unusually he didn’t quite have the stamina as Mark pinched it. G, meanwhile was wandering around like Les Kellet on the Saturday afternoon World of Sport wrestling (for those of you old enough to remember) and consequently being soundly beaten by Mark and Tom. In a somewhat unfathomable evening result wise Len beat Ralph whilst not getting out of third gear, but when Grampy took on Ralph the tables turned as Ralph put Grampy to the sword in four in a truly memorable clash, Ralph clenching his fists in victory reminiscent of Bjorn Borg when he won Wimbledon, such is the value of the scalp of the Rubbish Chief, well it would be if he had any hair. Grampy had a close shave against Tom aswell, surging into a 2-0 lead only to drop the third game, thankfully he managed to salvage that one and rack up a point for the Rubbish. So at 5-4 down the Rubbish needed to take the doubles to earn a draw, Tracy had been watching noisily all night whilst helping G demolish the penny sweets and mint aero bubbles and Len won the bat spin and joined her and it all looked good to start with as they pinched game one, but Ralph and Mark slowly gained their composure and clawed their way back into it and took the win for the home side. It’s only a short sprint to the pub and G took off but as he turned right in the fog at the top of the village had a mirror full of head lights and almost parked on someone’s roses as he almost mistook their front garden for the pub entrance, quickly blaming it on too many aero bubbles and the fact that the fog inside the car was nearly as bad as the fog outside. Anyway we settled down to a pint with Ralph who always joins us and the pub boxer dog who strangely had a pink coat on. We discussed all things table tennis and how the Rubbish can shuffle the rota to avoid the drop as the season heads into the darkest winter. Shot of the night was apparently one of G’s which would have won a pancake tossing competition as it went vertical into the ceiling sadly there was no pancake and it’s a good job Grampy didn’t have a frying pan handy. The ride home was quite foggy but otherwise uneventful as the wheels of the printing press began to turn in G’s mind.

If we had been using six shooters instead of table tennis bats yesterday Cam would have been shot to pieces, mind you the Rubbish would have all been dead so it’s probably best we stick to table tennis bats. I tell you John Wayne himself would have been proud. It didn’t start too well for the Rubbish, Grampy being knocked out cold by Bob Wild in three straight for the 27th time in his long illustrious team Rubbish career. Mike played Steve next, a match that went to five at home with Mike winning, it went to five again but this time the Cam supreme allrounder edged it in a classic encounter. Tracy started the year like the howling winds that have savaged the country, leaving Brian bewildered as she smashed him off the table in game one, sadly the hurricane turned into more of a summer breeze and Brian regained his composure to put Cam three in front. Mike took on Bob next and after losing the first game took control, the millimetre perfect sliced chop just too much for Bob, there was also some astonishing shots that took shot of the night, a wild back hand lash in reply to a smash and a service return in reply to a top spin serve that won the match, the ball just a blur. Grampy was up against Brian next, Grampy edging the first game, Brian replying by taking the next two leaving Captain with it all to do, and do it he did, again with some typically blazay lightening backhands to which there was no answer as he surged to victory. Tracy played Steve next and he was in no mood to give an inch as he put another point on the board for Cam. Mike’s match against Brian proved successful for the Rubbish, Brian unable to deal with that persistently consistent slice. Tracy had a good match against Bob but her fast game suits Bob and he managed to subdue the ferocious Dibble forehand . Fittingly the match of the night was the last singles as the two sparing partners of old Grampy and Steve stepped up, Steve had won three straight at Thornbury so Grampy had some unfinished business and he finished it with a style that only he can, Steve’s forward lunges on his backhand are more like a fencing stroke that ends up with a sword through the heart, they are truly devastating, his ability to retrieve Grampy’s succession of forehand smashes whilst caught up in the netting was amazing, and on a par with the Mentor but Grampy emerged victorious in four, we all felt cheated as these classic encounters often go to five and we missed that fifth game of a great match. That left the Rubbish needing to win the doubles to earn a draw, up stepped G, just about to try and inflict that defeat in partnership with Grampy and there was some good exchanges but it was not enough as Cam took a comfortable win to cement a victory. It was a bit of a pub crawl as a pit stop at the Yew Tree found it shut so we rolled down the hill to the Spot, one of Captain’s favourite watering holes whilst on tour where we relived our earliest encounters with alcohol, Grampy downing half a bottle of vodka at 17 and yodelling all the way up an open stair way, Mike’s son comatose at 17 but G has to take the spoils on this one as he got trashed on bottles of Pomagne at the age of just 11, throwing up half the night in bed, not a lot of people know that. On that bombshell, we’ll see you at Randwick on the 17th for another episode of p*ssheads go wild in Gloucestershire villages, all in the best possible taste you understand.

The headline sums it up, another match of opportunities thrown away as The Rubbish clutch a loss from the jaws of victory. In an all too familiar occurrence The Rubbish let themselves down as they went down to an average Sheepscombe side. Grampy tripped up in his first match against Dave but managed a brace as he wiped the floor with Hugh and Martin. Len very nearly took the headline again as he too beat Hugh and Martin, but from a commanding 2-0 lead against Dave it all went t*ts up as he was beaten by Dave 3-2, in what was a fantastic display. G never got out of the stalls and came within half a nanosecond of smashing his bat against the wall as the frustration reached boiling point. His performance got better in the doubles where he paired up with his captain against Dave and Martin in a 5 setter but a total collapse in the fifth saw them lose. The Christmas break is now with us and G has some serious thinking to do, maybe he will do a Reginald Perrin after that trip to Beachy head his captain suggested. There is good book on the Ferrari marquee called “The passion and the pain”, well it’s all pain and no passion for G at the moment and this season will be his last. DBS can’t come quick enough, there maybe some opportunity of a come back after the operation which is looking increasingly inevitable. At the Anchor this week we learnt that young Mark had made an astonishing comeback from 10-0 down to win one of his games, something I don’t think too many of us have seen before. An uneventful journey home saw G pull up on his drive without any blue lights in the mirror.

With the winter weather closing in The Rubbish chose their weapons for the second of three consecutive home games to try and boost their league position. Not easy when your opponents are the cunning Alan and hard hitting Len from the picturesque village of Frampton, now famous for its puppies. Dave their side kick is a piece of cake, not sure if it’s because of the contents of a bottle of after shave he was swigging from but we won’t say any more about that. When it all kicked off Grampy surprisingly made very light work of Alan with a 3-0 win, while Mike played Len in the first of two 5 setters, Mike got off to a flyer taking a 2-0 lead but the experience of Len then started to emerge as he clawed his way back into the game and took a tight fifth game 13-11. Tracy started her evening playing Dave and after losing the first game promptly took the next two and with it the lead only to see Dave level at 2-2. Another close fifth game saw the score at 10-10 before Tracy pinched a couple of points to take a well earned win. Grampy’s second match was against Len and it wasn’t until he found himself 2-0 down that he woke up and smelt the coffee and started on the long road to recovery and a 3-2 win keeping his chances of another hatrick alive. Mikes match against Alan was another 5 setter which swung one way and the other but when the music stopped it was Alan who had taken the spoils. Tracy was playing quite well against Len and did take a game off him but the old timer was not going to let it slip and won 3-1. Grampy did indeed get his hatrick as he polished off Dave, looking under the weather after sipping too much from his after shave bottle. Mike beat Dave too in 3 straight this time and Tracy had a close match against Alan with Alan the victor. The doubles saw G come off the bench and partner Mike against Alan and Dave in the fifth five setter of the night, got to be some sort of record. After taking a good lead in game one Thornbury gave it away as Frampton took the lead, Thornbury levelled only to see Frampton edge ahead for a second time but then managed to level again. The last game was a disaster as Thornbury found themselves 5-0 down with it all to do and just didn’t have what it takes and Frampton took it to claim a 5-5 draw on the night. The Anchor was the venue for the drinks and G explained what had happened to his beloved Charlie who had to be put to sleep last weekend prompting many tears in the household. His younger brother is also pinig for him. G also had a visit to Frenchay this week where the offer of deep brain stimulation became a reality, Captain Grampy desperate to get his hands on the remote control in an attempt to transform G’s game, which if it fails will result in Grampy steering G off Beachy head. It’s nice to know your wanted !!

Charlie and his younger brother Solo, they never spent a day apart in more than 13 years.

Thornbury C vs Forest Green C - Blue lights in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are - 23rd Nov 2011

Forest Green were the Gladiators to enter the Thornbury arena last night, sadly the Thornbury arena does not have the intimidating atmosphere of the Anfield of old or a modern day Old Trafford, maybe we should put a sign up over the entrance saying “This is Thornbury”, at least we might have a chance while the opposition stop laughing. It was Keith, Ian and Tony in the Forest Green team, Keith taking on Grampy and G taking on Ian in the first of the evenings battles. Grampy took control early and never looked back although games two and three were tight, G was always in the game against Ian but just did not have the edge as the important points came and went. Tracy seems to be a bit frustrated with her game at the moment, but as always there were some flashes of brilliance as the old smash bash Dibble shots flew over the net, however Tony is one of the best returners of rapid fire in our division and he took the spoils. Grampy made short work of both Ian and Tony on his way to another hatrick, G’s game way patchy with some quality at times and he took a game off Keith but it was never enough to threaten victory. Tracy was beaten comfortably by Keith but had a good contest against Ian with Ian narrowly winning. A bat spin saw G team up with Len and take on Ian and Tony in what was to be the hardest fought match of the night. Forest Green took game one and after being 10-4 up in game two the Thornbury pair somehow gave it away to be 2-0 down. They started to buck their ideas up in game three, inspired by one of G’s shots that simply defies all known laws of physics and every rule in the coaching manual as one of his mighty backhand flips hit the table after G managed to contact the ball when all seemed lost. This resulted in smiles of admiration from even the creme de la crème of Thornbury’s finest as they looked on in amazement. The sadest thing about these physics defying shots is that G doesn’t get to see any of them as he’s usually trying to stop himself going through a wall or two, Tom and Jerry style. The Thornbury duo managed to get it back to 2-2 but let the start of the fifth game get away from them and at 5-1 down it was always going to be tough and Forest Green did manage to hang on and take the fifth game and with it a 7-3 victory. So with another fine defeat under their belts it was off to The Anchor to catch up on the UEFA Champions league which saw Arsenal qualify with a match to spare but Chelsea lost meaning their last game has it all to play for. We also learnt that in the evenings other events going on young Mark, one of Thornbury’s youngster went some way to producing a major upset as he took a game off Julz, Thornbury kids are really starting to shine. G said goodbye as Tracy was trying to get a consensus on what the new Team shirt should be but I think she would have got more sense out of a bunch of 3 year olds. G joined the M5 and was travelling at a number not too dis-similar from the number of red balloons that Nena sung about in 1984 when he approached a dark 58 plate BMW and as he went past an array of blue lights illuminated, but as G indicated and slowed on the hard shoulder the BMW didn’t stop, so neither did G.

The Pessimists vs Thornbury C - Your missions, should you choose to accept them - 15th Nov 2011

The mission brief was simple, take Barry’s 100% record, that was the instruction in the email that self destructed before Grampy’s eyes in the build up to the match. Sadly the mission failed on all three fronts as Barry extended his unbeaten run at the cost of The Rubbish. Only Len could manage to get a game off Barry at a newly refurbished venue where the lighting emulates being at the north pole in winter, ie there is no light at all. Grampy’s match against Barry produced what was the shot of the night from Barry as he returned a venomous shot from Grampy which had left Grampy the wrong side of the net watching Barry’s lightening return drop onto an empty table. The Rubbish even tried playing with an orange ball which Barry apparently can’t see but it made no difference, he was certainly seeing it well enough to call the nets whilst scoring. Rich Evans, the other die hard Pessimist also managed a hatrick but had quite a bit more work to do as both Grampy and Len took him all the way to five only to see it snatched 11-9 in the final games of both matches. Tracy was intermittently playing some devastating stuff and in her match against The Pessimists’s latest recruit, none other than Sue Bailey, Tracy took game one but then it all slipped away. Grampy and Len both managed a win over Sue which put two points on the board for the Rubbish. G had been waiting patiently with the team Mentor for the doubles whilst sampling a vast array of sweets including mint aero bubbles, jelly tots, crunchie bites and many, many more. It was Grampy who drew the short straw and took to the floor with G in the strictly no dancing effort to get a third point. Grampy seemed to spend half his time grabbing G’s collar to stop him colliding with the newly painted walls. Alas, it was not to be as Barry and Rich took a comfortable win. So it was the usual 200 yard sprint to the pub for the post mortem where we learned a bit more about Tracy’s new job as Mentor to a little fella who has not had the best of starts in life. G left after downing his half pint of orange and lemonade that metamorphosized into a pint somewhere between the bar and the table and for once managed to get home without one of his infamous tours of south Gloucestershire’s rolling hillside.

After G’s poor display last week and insistence that he should retire, he had a barrage of threats, including strike action from his team mates. Captain insisted on G attending an intensive training session with the Mighty MaggotMeister with the threat of doing his other knee cap in, only this time with a 12 bore, should he fail to attend. Needless to say punctuality was the word and to simulate worst case conditions G was low on smarties as well. That said the session went well, Maggot having to use all his ability at times to retrieve some of G’s shots. The training session was followed by a visit to the Anchor where G and Tracy played taste the Vodka with all and sundry during a committee meeting where everybody was trying to decide whose coke had the vodka in it. Anyway, all was well in the end as G managed to get home and park the car in time for the 11pm freeview and a raspberry jam and coconut sponge pudding with ambrosia (non low fat) custard, Captain may not approve but f*ck him, at 8 stone 13 and one half pounds at the last weigh in G can afford an additional few ounces without fear of it having a detrimental effect on his game. The team was Mike, Len and G for the battle against top spot Woodchester, with Grampy and Tracy both washing their hair. The match against Woodchester was all about Len, his form has dipped at times recently but every single ball, bar none hit the sweet spot, and those that missed hit an edge or the net and dropped over. Mike had started the evenings events against Ken and after a tight first game Ken pushed a bit harder and took a 3-0 win. Len was up against Colin next, Len took game one only to see Colin level, Len regained the lead only to see that lead disappear again as he fought from 10-4 down to level it at 10-10 only to lose 14-12 as Colin took it to five. Len took the momentum back to take a great 5th game and get the first point on the board for the Rubbish. G followed, playing with a kneecap half the size of the Hindenberg, had a good game against the Woodchester no.3 never really troubling him but trying to force the pace and with that some good shots were emerging. Len was up against Ken next, G had sneakily been scouring the hall so he knew where the fire extinguishers were in case Len caught fire which he nearly did as he this time saw the first game go to Woodchester, he hurriedly equalised only to go 2-1 down with a battering from Ken in game three. Len paused for some water and told G he was knackered, but after regaining his composure pulled off some astonishing shots as he took game four forcing a fifth which he duly won aswell. I think we need to have a quiet word with his better half, Beryl and get Len on the pre match pasta diet. The speed of the ball off the table did seem very slow and this was upsetting Mikes game, his usually devastating back hand chops were flying high over the net and consequently he was put to the sword by the Woodhcester no.3 also called Mike. G played Colin next and although soundly beaten still had the old timer on the back foot once or twice. Len was up against Mike next and on course for a hatrick, it looked fragile as game one went to Woodchester, but then the shoulders loosened and the cunningly disguised forehands started to flow majestically like 4’s off Kevin Pieterson’s cricket bat as he took the next three games and with it truly memorable hatrick. Never has he been seen to play better, it was truly his finest hour! or three in a Rubbish shirt. G played Ken next and again had a good game but Ken taking a comfortable win. That left Mike playing Colin to round up the singles and this went to five as Mike twice levelled but saw the fifth slip away as Colin pinched it. The first bat spin saw Len and Mike take on Ken and Mike in a tight doubles, Thornbury twice levelling to take it to five but then the Woodchester boys taking hold and with it an easy fifth to cement their victory. As we sat in our cars afterwards Mike made a move home, Len asked G if he fancied a drink, so we walked the 50 yards to the Royal oak where we were joined by Mike from Woodchester along with another one of their squad who had been watching. The subject got round to obesity, Len admitting that biscuits are his weakness with a nice cup of tea and that he struggles to keep to his optimum fighting weight of 15 stone, but he duly served some knock out punches in a Rubbish night to remember. Sadly there were no puppies, just a couple of old dogs in the corner.

Woodchester D - 7, Thornbury C - 3

Some of our oldest adversaries turned up under the banner of Randwick C so it was surprising that they were the only team below us in the league. We have all at some stage had long hard battles with these three, Ralph, Mark and John. The evening got under way with Grampy playing Mark and G taking on John. Grampy surged into the lead and after a hiccup in the second game took the win on his way to another hatrick as he did not drop another game all night. G played well against John as he levelled twice to take it to a fifth only to lose it 11-9. Mike played Ralph first and took a comfortable win, he surprisingly dropped a game against John but regained his form to take a 3-0 win against Mark and he took his first hatrick for the Rubbish. Meanwhile G started with a couple of tight games against Mark but lost them both, Mark then taking a comfortable win in the 3rd. Ralph took a 2-0 lead against G but being the gentleman that he is took his foot off the pedal in the 3rd which allowed G to pinch it but he was not going to repeat it and upped his game to take an easy game four. The bat spin saw a wobbly G partner Len who had been itching to get going all night but G was running on empty and should really have sat it out but was trying to make up for yet another duck in the singles. Randwick took game one but Thornbury managed to level but then it slipped away resulting in an easy win for the Randwick boys, Ralph and Mark. The two Rubbish hatricks saw the first win of the season for the Rubbish but with not a single point on the board this season by G and with only the top of the table to play it has to be the end of the road for G. The mental torture of turning up knowing that where once there was a chance of victory there is none, is proving too much. The will, the desire and the enjoyment just don’t exist anymore so with immediate effect G is retiring to let his Rubbish colleagues pile up the points which Mike has done admirably this season as a new dawn begins for Team Rubbish.

Randwick A vs Thornbury C - Always look on the bright side of life... - 26th Oct 2011

G although not in the squad for this cup match thought he would go along and support the Rubbish in their attempt to add to the Silverware collection from last season. After a delicious battered sausage and chips he shut his eyes in the car outside Randwick village hall waiting for the team to arrive which they did, and for once on time. As the teams knocked up G took a seat on the line of the diagonal practice balls and when a stray ball came his way attempted the one handed catch only to almost end up doing hand stands on the floor. The Rubbish had a 108 point head start as Grampy took to the floor and produced a creditable performance only dropping 2 shots in the first match against Wayne. Len seems to be struggling with his form of late and it was still apparent as he battled his way through a tough encounter with Tim which saw a bit of drop in the Rubbish advantage. Tracy seemed to be the most relaxed, playing her favoured game of smash!!, bash**, crash>>, and it was working quite well often having Alan on the back foot, nevertheless the points took a hit. With one third of the games gone half the points had disappeared. Len was still on the back foot playing Wayne but found some form which saw Waynes head drop as he give away some foolish points, G mentioning to his Captain on the sideline that that’s just the sort of player mentality we don’t want in our team. Grampy and G exchanged stories about knee injuries, G’s right kneecap being half the size of a tennis ball suffering from bursitis at the moment, the Captain going one better as he described an old football injury where his tendon attaching the kneecap to the shin was severed by an opposition stud, and he watched the bursa (fluid sack) on his kneecap bubble away like a volcano about to erupt. Grampy, knees now in tact was next up against Alan and producing what for him has be to a slightly under par performance as the points advantage crept lower. Tracy with a smile on her face did her best to biff^^, smack<<, crack@@ Tim off the table and had some success as again the sheer pace of her game meant the Randwick opponent had to up his game to ensure victory. Len was on playing Alan next, which saw the the Randwick player take no prisoners as he cruised to victory. Tracy, still smiling put up a valiant attempt against Wayne, G pointing out before hand to Tracy that he does a lot of “Frampton Glanville” serves and that they should duly be Mullahed without mercy. At the end of that match with just Grampy against Tim to be played the home team had turned the -108 point deficit into a +9 advantage leaving Grampy a monumental challenge which the broad shoulders just could not manage as he was put to the sword by Tim in a clinical performance resulting in a 38 point win for Randwick, on the day they were just too good. G made his excuses and trundled off home in amongst the seemingly endless road closures in Gloucestershire’s valleys (for once not taking the 25 mile detour route) to plaster a few holes in the walls at home late into the night as his team mates started on what was to be a mini pub crawl, as the usual pub was shut. Another first round exit for the Rubbish.........but looking on the bright side, there’s always next year. Tracy'sexchanges with the opposition remind G of Batman fights.

With Captain off on one of his track days to scrub in his new sticky rear tyre (hope he brings us some nice pics) the rudderless team Rubbish were in sombre mood. Nobody to take the piss out of, no wit that is sharper than a surgeon’s scalpel, and most importantly no venomous backhand that wins us so many points. Mike was running late as was Neil (Carlos) from the opposition so Len, looking like a tribal elder from the Cheyenne Indians in his new headband took on Steve whilst G played Brian. Len was no match for Steve but G astonishingly took the first game off Brian, only to see Brian take the next two games. G fought hard in game four and at 10-8 up had two points to take it all the way but fluffed them both and Brian notched up his first point. Mike and Neil had arrived and played next, the carlos fandango serves of Neil confounding Mike at times and they contributed a great deal to his win. Lens match against Brian was a marathon 5 setter, Len taking game one, Brian taking the next two and Len levelling to take it to a fifth, Brian with the help of a few nets and edges managing to pinch that fifth game. Mikes match against Steve was another marathon, Steve taking the first game and Mike levelling, the speed and trajectory of Mike’s backhand push testing Steve’s patients to the limit as he took game three only to see Mike level again, the quality of Mikes defensive play like that of the Arsenal back four of old, Adams, Keown, Winterburn and Dixon when the crowd used to sing “you’ll never beat the Arsenal” and indeed Mike took the 5th game and another impressive point for the Rubbish. G’s match against Carlos started off ok but went rapidly downhill as the spin got spinier and G just could not get his feet to the ball and an easy 3-0 win ensued for Neil.

Mike had a fairly comfortable win over Brian, Len took the first game off Neil but then saw it slip away and for the first time this season a duck was on the menu for Len and it wasn’t even a crispy one. When G played Steve the Cam no. 1 did just enough to ensure a 3-0 win. So battered and bloodied the Thornbury trio spun the bats for the doubles Tracy declining the opportunity to share in the savage beating. It was G and Mike who took on Carlos and Steve and although there were some sparks of light from the Thornbury duo they swiftly snuffed out as the Cam boys took a 3-0 win and with it an 8-2 overall win. We assembled at the Anchor afterwards to lick our wounds and prepare for a tough away match at Randwick A in the Albert Mann where no doubt there will be some more bloody noses.

The unbeatable Arsenal back 4/5 including Steve Bould with their keeper, David Seaman.

Sheepscombe vs Thornbury C - Warning this report contains some flash photography - 4th Oct 2011

The fun started before the main event last evening as there was an abundance of road closed ahead signs littered all over the road leading to Sheepscombe. The Thornbury squad decided on a three pronged attack, Mike simply drove down the road ignoring all signs, G doubled back and made a rear entry and Grampy in his own style was fashionably late, Tracy along with him carrying the sweets. Mike took the number one spot to allow Grampy some time to settle in and was paired against Dave, one of the wildest top spinners in the division. Mike was only ever a point or two away as the two battled point for point but Dave just seemed to have the edge at the crucial moments and managed a 3-1 win. Grampy was up next playing Nigel, Grampy taking the first game only to see his lead wiped out as Nigel took the next two, luckily the Captain woke up and took the next two and the first marathon of the evening went to Thornbury. Tracy enjoys playing the Sheepscombe mob because apart from Dave’s top spin they don’t piss about with spin they just hit the ball at you and thats just the way she likes it. All the games against Roz were quite tight but Roz just finding that bit extra when it counted to get the win. Grampy was up against Dave next but could not match the old timer, just managing to pinch one game off him. Mike had a lengthy first game against Roz, edging it 16-14, carried that momentum into game two with an easy win and wrapped it up 3-0 as he put his first point on the board. Nigel and Tracy had a very close match, never more than 2 points in it but Nigel again pinching the vital points to get a 3-1 win. In the tea break we learned how Sheepscombe other old timer Martin had broken his leg after falling off a ladder cleaning his gutters out, and at 80 years old thats no joke. Grampy took the honours against Roz although nearly dropping a game. Tracys match against Dave had some remarkable reflex table tennis, Tracy literally battering him off the table in game 2 to win 11-3, the old timer needing to regroup and really up his game to overcome the Dibble fire power. Mike was last up against Nigel and it went all the way, Mike taking game one the Nigel games two and three, Mike managed to level but then lost all sense of what was happening as Nigel took a big lead in game five which Mike thought was game four. Once he realised what a mountain to climb there was though he knuckled down and somehow pulled off the victory of the evening leaving Nigel in a state of disbelief.

G had been on the bench waiting for the doubles and taking the odd nap among the evenings events but woke up when the clattering sound of spinning bats was heard. Grampy came up trumps and G stuttered to the starting line to play Dave and Nigel. In an impressive display the Thornbury pair mullahed the Sheepscombe pair taking a 2-0 lead, took the foot off the pedal in game three but again showed their character in game four as they smashed their way to a great win and with it a creditable draw against a full strength Sheepscombe team.

It’s only a couple of hundred yards to the pub from the village hall where we mulled over the evenings events and Mike was asking what we all did for a living, Tracy revealing that her position as a teaching assistant involved visiting some toy museum soon, no mention if any of them run on batteries like her favourite one. So to the carpark and discussion as to the best way home, one of our vehicles slipped up by all accounts, failing to spot a yellow box on a pole known as a speed camera receiving a double flash somewhere in the darkest Gloucestershire night. The 14 days to get a N.I.P. (notice of intended prosecution) in the post has begun. Tick, Tock, If its any consolation I have been flashed 3 times none resulting in a conviction.

It was one of those nights, no Grampy, stitched himself up with a baby sitting job as only he can, looking after the team treasure and no Tracy but hey we found some more puppies, more about them later. The Frampton mob threw together Allan Lardner, Clive and Dave against the Rubbish crew of G, Len and Mike. Len took on the no.1 roll and started the proceedings against Allan, the game ebbed and flowed one way and then the other as Allan took the lead with Len equalising, Alan then taking the lead again with Len once again managing to pull level. Sadly it was Allan who made the break through in the 5th as he pinched the first point.

G played his now customary b*ll*cks table tennis against Dave, able to pinch one game but no more. Mike lost the first game against Clive but then turned it round big time, winning the second game 11-1 and with that took the momentum all the way to the finish line. Allan took no prisoners whilst playing G making short work of G’s feeble game. Len was in determined mood as he beat Clive in three. Mike dropped a game against Dave, but took the win leaving himself on a hat trick if he could beat Allan. A hat trick on your debut, something we have not seen since the opening day of the 1996/97 Premiership season when Fabrizio Ravanelli put 3 in the back of the net for Bryan Robson’s Middlesborough against the mighty reds of Liverpool.

Mike could not quite manage the hat trick as the wiley game of Allan took the points. G’s match against Clive was a lot better, G managing to pinch a game and put Clive under some pressure at times. Len hastily beat Dave meaning the Rubbish needed to win the doubles to snatch a draw which they did with ease. Mike and Len at the third time of asking matched bats and destroyed Allan and Dave, the match including Mike’s initiation into team Rubbish as he hit a horizontal smash nearly decapitating the Frampton duo in the process, to earn our first draw of this season. G and Mike sneaked of to the Bell for the customary half where the bar maid was wearing a woollen dress just about as short as your average 12 year old thus displaying what was a superb rear as well as having a top pair of puppies, it was difficult job knowing which end to start on first. Alas Len and the Thornbury A team never made the pub as I guess their doubles dragged on a bit so it was just Mike and G left to dribble in their beer.

Forest Green C vs Thornbury C - It's a bit early to talk about relegation... but ... - 14th Sep 2011

With Grampy’s bat not yet hitting the sweet spot it is already becoming difficult to see how we will not end up relegated into the bowels of division 4 next season.

Grampy was full of flu and pain killers as he took on the Forest Green new boy, Lucky who stormed into a 9-2 lead in game one. Grampy as he always does in these situations, to his credit, never gives in and plays every point as if it is the last and clawed his way back to 9-9 only to see Lucky take the next two points and with it the first game. Lucky took game two aswell before Grampy’s back hand began to hit the table and with that came tight victories in games three and four. Sadly Lucky had the edge in game five as he racked up the first point of what was to be a hatrick as he went on to beat G with ease and although Tracy pushed him harder, taking one game, she could not quite manage the win. Lucky had to go early so his three matches were played back to back. Grampy took on Tony next and put the first Rubbish point on the board as he dismissed him in three straight. Tracy battled hard against Keith again taking a game off the experienced old timer, G took the first game off Tony but that was as good as it got with Tony recovering to win 3-1. Grampy beat Keith but made hard work of it taking the full quota of five to do it, while G was comfortably beaten by Keith. Tracy’s match against Tony was like watching Bruce Lee on speed as the pair of them exchanged fire at a truly astonishing rate, Tony being one of the few people in the Stroud league who can beat Tracy at her own game of rapid repeat fire table tennis. It is without doubt some of best the league has to offer when these two go head to head, Tony coming out the victor on this occasion 3-1. The bat spin saw G paired with Captain against Keith and Tony for the doubles, all was looking lost as the Forest Green pair took a 2-0 lead, the Thornbury pair managed to take game three but couldn’t keep the momentum going as Forest Green took the doubles and with it a comprehensive win. The short trip down the hill to the Britannia saw the Rubbish trio team up with a work colleague of G’s where a few laughs were exchanged as the discussion jumped from 12 year old school girls in the shortest skirts imagineable and how do you maintain some respectful innocence in today’s teenagers and the fact that boys are far easier to deal with, you just give em a good kick in, to where the best place in the body to administer anaesthetic is, but that is best left until after Grampy has had his breakfast.

Thornbury C vs The Pessimists - Not quite as bad a start as The Arsenal - 7th Sept 2011

With a not very good summer behind us, the nights are closing in and it could prove to be a long hard winter ahead of us this year as The Rubbish set their sights on cementing a position in division 3. The glory of Grampy’s smash and grab victory in the inaugural Thornbury handicap cup was short lived as the inaptly named Pessimists visited Thornbury for the first match of a new season and duely took the spoils.

G lost the bat spin so left his team mates to battle it out and initially it was not looking too bad, Grampy matched Barry until it reached 2-2 then Barry upped the tempo and took game five 11-3. Len took the first game off Rich but Rich then found something extra and took the next 3. It was left to Tracy to show the way forward as she smashed her way to the seasons opening victory with a good win over Dave in 4. Grampy too managed to take the first game off Rich but Rich again turned it round and took the next three to make it his second win. We even tried to starve them into submission as no milk was available for tea but that too failed as Barry was too strong for Len and Tracy as the middle order collapse continued. Len and Grampy both managed to beat Dave and Rich beat Tracy as the opposition racked up the points. G took the floor with Grampy against Barry and Rich in an effort to make the score look half respectful but it all came to nothing as they were beaten 3-0.

So after a tough opening encounter it was off to the pub for refreshments where we sadly learned that after an innings of just short of 19 years, Rich’s border collie has finally taken up residence in that kennel in the sky, forever remembered.

This summer we have had troubled times again, here are a few Rappin words that help us remember it.